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THE WISH LIST

1/12/2016

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Everybody has a wish list (even if it is a short one).  So from a magical character's viewpoint a wish list could look like this.

  1. I wish interfering fairy godmothers would not turn up at the last minute and ruin my brilliant spells.  Ha!  Putting Sleeping Beauty  to sleep for 100 years - what kind of numbskull spell is that?!  (Other than a very annoying one for me that is...)
  2. I wish broomsticks were more comfortable to fly (all fairytale witches would think that).
  3. I wish apprentices wouldn't suddenly think they can "do" magic.  It always goes horribly wrong.
  4. I wish people like Aladdin would just do as they were flamingly well told and hand over the grubby lamp.  I still don't know what possessed the lad to keep hold of thing.  I hadn't given any hints as to how powerful it is so how did he guess?
  5. Gingerbread houses are not practical in a downpour so I would wish for a way round that.
  6. Having eaten Red Riding Hood and her granny, I wish to digest my meal in peace.  I don't need some interfering woodsman with an axe getting involved.
  7. I with my goddaughter would learn to tell the time properly - Cinderella's fairy godmother.
  8. Just this once, I wish there wasn't a happy ever after ending - all fairytale witches think this.  They want the happy ending to be their idea of said happy ending.  Trust me, it won't match what anyone else would define as one.
  9. I wish I could persuade Rapunzel to keep her hair short.  Having hair that long causes nothing but trouble and it is showing off.
  10. I wish the cow hadn't jumped over the moon - it's done nothing for her milk yields.  Cow's owner.
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WHO NOT TO TRUST...

30/11/2016

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There are some characters in fairytales and fantasy fiction the sensible will never trust.  My list is:-

  1. Grand Viziers.  As Cohen the Barbarian says in Interesting Times (Terry Pratchett), there is just something about the job that gets to them.  Hmm... from my reading of fairytales Grand Viziers like to get to others to stop anything getting to them at all.
  2. Talking wolves.  Experience shows this never ends well.   The wolf doesn't  usually benefit either.
  3. Talking snakes.  See Kipling's Jungle Book for more on this (and one of the great Disney films too).  I would be very wary of anything that hisses.  After all they do have a serpent tongue!
  4. Wizards who suddenly seem interested in weapons building.  See the example of Saruman in The Lord of the Rings here.  You have got to ask why have they taken to this industry.  It's not usually necessary for a wizard to need weapons (and certainly not on a grand scale).
  5. Spurned witches/bad fairies not invited to christenings.  When they do turn up, being all sweetness and light to all and sundry is definitely not on the agenda.
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LITTLE THINGS...

29/11/2016

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Little things reveal a great deal about people.   Anyone who always says "please" and "thank you", you know was brought up to be polite (and not take anything for granted usually too!).  Likewise, those who hold doors open for others (regardless of gender), you can reasonably assume at least try to be considerate in other ways as well.

So little things should also give away clues as to what your characters are really like deep down.   I think of this as the kind of trait that a character can't completely hide/suppress.  For example, a character is shown to be a "loudmouth".  Fine but every so often during the story, we also spot the said character lighting a candle as a prayer for someone else.  That tells me well hang on this character has another side to them.  A deep, spiritual side they are either not comfortable showing more openly (they're wary of showing off their piety perhaps) or they somehow feel the need to cover that aspect of themselves up by being "loud". 

So think about what little things will give away what your character is really like.  These little things can also back up the main portrayal (and indeed will help make it more convincing).


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WHAT NOT TO SAY TO A MAGICAL BEING

28/11/2016

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This post presumes you want to live!  So on those grounds then never say any of the following to a magical being of any description.  The weaker ones will use what powers they've got to zap you.  They don't want you becoming a threat.  The stronger ones will either just destroy you for being an irritant or ignore you but name you publicly.  The point of that is their minions will come after you instead, saving them the bother.

  1. I can use magic better/for longer than you can.  It would be best if you don't find out the hard way how wrong you are here!
  2. You're not as powerful as you used to be.  You used to frighten everybody.  This is a great way to ensure you don't see your next hour yet alone your next birthday.
  3. This magic business is overrated.  What you want is logic and common sense. Now if you had logic and common sense, you wouldn't say that to someone who has spent the whole of their life working and training in magic.  Nobody likes their profession undervalued.


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top 10 traits for fairy godmothers

27/11/2016

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  1. Courage - you are bound to face wicked fairy godmothers, witches and so on who will at best get in your way and at worst try to kill you.
  2. Determination - to do the right thing and meet the highest professional standards for fairy godmothering.
  3. Inventiveness - it takes imagination to be able to see a pumpkin or a rat and realise you can do something magical with these raw ingredients.  The more imagination you have, the more inventive you will be.  And you will never run out of things to use for said raw ingredients!
  4. Honesty - Your clients need to be able to trust you, otherwise they won't do as you ask.  (Don't rely on accurate timekeeping by your clients though.  It hasn't happened yet.  It appears to be a generic weakness).
  5. Commitment - To your craft and your clients to get the best out of both.
  6. Dedication - Not quite the same as 5.  Here I mean dedication to practising your magical skills day in and day out in the same way a writer or athlete would practise their crafts, knowing they've got to do this if they want to get anywhere.
  7. Willingness to Research - To recognise new developments in magical technology and spells and be prepared to use the best of these for your own work.  To not necessarily stick to the old ways as sometimes at least new methods can improve on efficient working, how much magical energy you use per spell and so on.
  8. Loyalty - Usually to the fairy monarchy but generally to the way fairy godmothers work individually and as a collective.  You would not act in a disloyal way to any fairy godmother doing their work (unless they had decided to become a force for evil, in which case you've got no choice but to resist that unless you want to be tarred with the same brush).
  9. Being able to anticipate - Okay crystal balls can be  useful for spying on what your magical neighbours are doing but the problem here is they will be doing the same to you.  You can't beat personal knowledge of what other fairy godmothers and witches are like and are capable of so you can anticipate when they might do something rotten.  That puts you in good stead to stop what they are doing or, if that is not entirely possible, to weaken it.  Sleeping Beauty has good cause to be grateful to her fairy godmother here.
  10. Reaction times - These should be fast.  You've got to be able to be quick on the draw with your wand - if you want to survive, that is.
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brainstorming ideas

26/11/2016

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Every so often I have a brainstorming session where I jot down rough ideas for future blog posts, short stories and so on.  I don't worry about how rough the idea is - I just get that initial thought down on paper.  This is partly to make sure I don't forget the initial spark but also because I know now that other ideas will come in to improve that starting off one.  I need to give my subconscious time to mull things over but it also has to have something to mull over in the first place.

Sometimes I get a paragraph or two down in sessions like this.  Sometimes it's just an odd line.  Occasionally it's a piece of dialogue that I know I want to get into some story somewhere.  But I write it down.  The only magic wand a writer needs after all is a pen and paper.  I don't know why it is but when I brainstorm I have to physically write.  I can't do this directly to screen. 

And following on from my flash fiction theme yesterday, one lines are often all I need to get started on a story.  So if you have a scrap of an idea, jot it down.  It may well become a bigger idea.  If not, it may be enough in itself to help you create a flash fiction story.
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FLASH FAIRYTALES

25/11/2016

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I write fairytales with bite as short stories and novels but also as flash fiction.  Flash is an ideal format for those incidents which are simply not long enough to make a standard length short story, yet can be a story in themselves. For example:-

THE MAGICIAN

I don't know how she does it.  Whatever I put down, it vanishes in seconds.  I stand there, looking at her and she just looks at me knowingly.  I blink, I look again, it's all gone.  She looks smug.

It must be a kind of magic.  Certainly she's consistent with it.  I don't know how she gets away with it though.  If I tried her trick, I'd get chronic indigestion.

But then my border collie is a wizard at making her food and treats disappear...

ENDS
Copyright:  Allison Symes, November 2016

I love writing stories like The Magician.  All short stories are said to be a moment in time.  Well flash is half a moment!  I  have sometimes taken a flash piece and expanded it for a standard length short story (1500 to 1700 words usually) so flash can be a good way of testing out an idea.  If it's not sustainable for a long piece, it can remain as flash fiction, a very worthy form in its own right.  And I'm not just saying that because I have a flash fiction collection due out soon.... honestly!



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FAIRYTALE HEROINES

24/11/2016

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What I like to see in my favourite fairytale heroines:-

  1. They try to get themselves out of trouble and don't just rely on Prince Charming.  I think this is one reason I loved the Shrek series.  Princess Fiona is my kind of heroine in terms of attitude.
  2. They are not vengeful, even though they would have cause to be.  Instant gaining (and keeping) of moral high ground here.
  3. They act in such a way it is clear they do deserve their happy ever after ending.  (I do like those to be merited - they should be I think!).
  4. They are highly intelligent and resourceful - back to Princess Fiona again, though I'd also credit Gretel for her quick thinking in dealing with the witch.
  5. They usually come from a  humble background (which is very encouraging to the majority of us who also come from said humble background!  I like to see all manner of backgrounds represented in stories.  I think it is part of the wide appeal of fairytales - these characters are in a magical world but their background is nothing to write home about.  It's easy to identify with that).
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FIVE THINGS NO FAIRYTALE CHARACTER SHOULD BE WITHOUT

23/11/2016

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  1. A powerful magical being on their side.  A wizard most people are afraid of is useful here.
  2. A fail proof escape plan.
  3. Food and drink that will not go off but is also edible and tasty.  (This immediately rules out dwarf bread, which is neither).
  4. A decent map, which shows where most hazards are to be found.  (In fairness no map can show them all and treachery by your companions is always a possibility).
  5. A decent life insurance policy.  It will give your loved ones something to remember you by.
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A NEW DIRECTION

23/11/2016

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How do your characters handle situations where they need to make a new start or life takes them in a direction they did not expect (for good or ill)?  Does having to change direction bring out the best in them or are they resentful at the necessity to change?

Do your characters manage to go forward or are they successful in going round and round in circles?  Sometimes other characters "guide" others on a new path (think Gandalf in Lord of the Rings.  Without him, Frodo would definitely have stayed in the Shire!).  What are these characters like as guides?  Are they reliable? 

And where does the new direction lead your main characters?  Somewhere positive or not?

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WHEN YOU NEED MORE THAN A MAGICAL WAND (TO GET YOU OUT OF TROUBLE)

21/11/2016

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  1. You find yourself in a magically unstable environment where even the smallest amount of additional magic is likely to produce disastrous effects.  Disastrous for those around you.  Okay, you might not care about that.  Disastrous for the environment itself.  You should care about that.  Environments have a nasty habit of destroying those who try to destroy them.
  2. You're facing the prospect of having to fight a duel with someone you know is faster and better with their wand or other magical implement of choice than you are.  (Probably time to run or grovel.  Your call.).
  3. You're in a world where magic is considered highly suspect and it is not unknown for those who practice it to face imprisonment at best or death at worst.  Bringing out your wand here is probably not a good idea.  It certainly won't promote your long life and good health.
  4. You're facing a dragon or other monster that is quite happy to devour you and your wand.
  5. You discover the local Dark Lord's Ring of Power has more magical energy in it than you have in your wand, crystal ball, lucky rabbit's foot and so on.
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making history

20/11/2016

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Today will go down as probably the best day in Scottish and British tennis, given Andy and Jamie Murray have ended the year as world number one in the mens' singles and doubles.  Wonderful achievement for them both and they make history too.

How do our characters make history?  By changing the fictional world in which they live.  It doesn't have to be for the better either.  Sauron in The Lord of the Rings made history in the world of that wonderful epic by being a tyrant and forging the Ring of Power.  Frodo made history by defeating Sauron and destroying that Ring.

History can be changed in small ways, as well as the big ones, and even our minor characters should have an impact on our stories to justify them being in said stories!  The whole point of any story is to show moments of change in the characters and/or the world in which they live.  Sometimes that world can be a very small one - i.e.  the world as it affects them and those nearest to them.  Sometimes the world is on an epic scale such as Middle Earth and Mordor.

Those moments of change lead to conflict and so the drama beings.  How our characters then act and react (and why) is what makes the history.  It is also what is the story.  And readers should be able to see why your characters act and react the way they do from the way you've set those characters up.  There should be a logical progression.  (Ironically this is true even if, say, Character A's behaviour changes out of all recognition because they've been "influenced", drugged or are ill.  All of those three things are logical progressions, just not very nice ones!).


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nursery rhyme nonsense

19/11/2016

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I sometimes wonder what people were on when they came up with the nursery rhymes.  Take Hey Diddle Diddle for example.  In what universe did a cow ever jump over the moon?  I sometimes lose my spoons in the cutlery drawer (usually because they've been put back in the wrong place) but to date not one of them has run away with any of my dishes. 

There was a wonderful Radio 4 series called News at Bedtime which sent up the nursery rhyme and fairy tale world.  And with material such as Hey Diddle Diddle to work with, spoofing was a gift I would have thought!  If you ever get a chance to listen to this series, do so.  It's hilarious and stars Jack Dee and Peter Calpaldi (prior to his getting the call to "pilot" the Tardis in Doctor Who).

I do have a soft spot for the nonsense verse of Lewis Carroll, Edward Lear and Spike Milligan.  Couldn't write it but love reading it.  Having said that I find I can only read it in small doses at any one time?  Why?  Because for me the world of fantasy still has to be believable.  When it goes into pastiche, it, for me, literally loses some of its magic.  What do you think?


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rules for fairy godmothers

18/11/2016

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  1. Never zap someone just because you can.  Fairy godmothers are not supposed to indulge in that kind of thing.
  2. Given the fiasco over Cinderella's slippers, make sure you use the appropriate language for your spells.  Client comfort must not be ignored in favour of a "showy spell".  Glass is not appropriate material to put on your feet!
  3. Grow your own pumpkins. One day you are bound to come across a client that hasn't got any to hand.
  4. Always be prepared for a wicked witch/bad fairy godmother (there's very little difference) to turn up and spoil a royal christening.  You must be on standby to limit the damage as much as you can.
  5. Never rely on your client to do exactly as you tell them.  Ensure your spells cannot rebound horribly when they do muck things up.  Cinderella's fairy godmother got this right.  It would have been embarrassing to say the least had the girl been punished severely for her late timekeeping.  Word gets out and it would have put future clients off.
  6. Always leave your calling card when visiting villages and so on.  There is bound to be someone who will need your help.  They do need to know who they are going to call.
  7. Dress appropriately for your work.  You are supposed to be a wise kindly woman who, with the right charm or two, is going to put things right for your ill-treatec client.  So no turning up in punk rocker gear or anything like that.  You must think about your image.
  8. Be discreet.  Never show off openly about client successes.  It is showing off (not something you associate with fairy godmothers, frankly) and may put off the shyer client.  They're often the ones most in need of your help.
  9. On your card should be enough information for your client to contact you - they say a specific word three times etc.  Choose this word with care.  You do not want to be summoned repeatedly by using a word everyone uses in every day conversation.  Equally it must be a word your client can pronounce properly and is reasonably easy to remember.
  10. Never publicise where you live unless you want a pitched battle with the neighbourhood witch.  They will not appreciate you moving into their areas.  Equally if they come into yours, it pays to keep quiet.  You will have the advantage of surprise then and that could prove useful.
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WHAT I LOVE IN A FAIRYTALE

17/11/2016

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  1. Justice has got to be seen to be done.  There can be no question of rehabilitating the wicked stepmother, big bad wolf and so on - not in a standard fairytale anyway.  I did love Terry Pratchett's take on fairytale characters in Witches Abroad.
  2. There has to be a happy ending most of the time.  (If you need one all the time don't read The Little Mermaid or The Little Match Girl).
  3. I love the way that humans are not automatically the smartest creatures in a fairytale. 
  4. Talking animals always make a great deal of sense in a fairytale.
  5. Older women have starring roles in fairytales.  Okay some of them are crones who you know will face a horrible death but, in fairness, others are fairy godmothers, who make all the difference to the story.
  6. The fairytale world has all manner of creatures in it.  Most of the time most of them get along fine.
  7. Magical usage always comes with a price.  I'm sure the fairy godmother could just have waved her wand to conjure up Cinderella's coach and so on but the girl had to do some work for the spell to help her.  I like that.  It confirms the old saying there is no such thing as a free lunch.
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WHEN A CHARACTER TAKES OFF...

16/11/2016

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It's a lovely moment in a story when you know the whole thing "works", the characters are inspirational and you suddenly realise you could write a lot more about/for them.  When you are disappointed the story has to come to an end, you're on to a winner!

Knowing a lot about your character before you begin writing "officially" is a great help here.  "A lot" varies from writer to writer - I need to know my character's base level trait.  Are they honourable, brave and so on?  Other authors write full biographies.  I need enough to get me started and then I love to find out more details as the story comes together.

The classic sign of a character who has taken off well is being able to thnk of any circumstance and know automatically how they'd handle it.  Also you would know how that character would speak and likely educational level and so on.  Let your characters take off!  You are the conduit through which they share their stories.  I know that sounds a bit "luvvie" but it is true and after all it is the character's story.  We want to hear their voice not the author's!


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FLASH FICTION PERKS

16/11/2016

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One of the reasons I love writing flash fiction is it has a number of perks for a writer.  My list here includes:-

  1. I love short, sharp writing (whether I'm reading or writing it) so flash fiction is a natural genre for me.
  2. Flash fiction is great for telling a humorous incident as a very short story.  Normally such incidents wouldn't be nearly long enough for a standard short story but they are often perfect for flash.
  3. I've used flash fiction ideas I've had to generate longer short stories when I've wanted to develop the character or plot further.
  4. Flash fiction is great for reading on mobiles, tablets etc, which is one reason for their huge popularity I think.
  5. Flash fiction can convey all moods - from menace to mirth - efficiently. 
  6. Flash fiction, because of a fairly strict word count, is a good training ground for (a) writing short and (b) editing really, really well!
  7. There are plenty of online markets for flash fiction (some of which, including Cafelit, will bring out a Best of print anthology.
  8. Flash fiction could be a way in to longer fiction and books in general for more reluctant readers.


Picture
This was my story in last year's The Best of Cafelit 4. Am delighted to be in this year's collection, The Best of Cafelit 5, with my flash fiction piece, Telling the Time.
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TOP 10 QUESTIONS TO PUT TO YOUR CHARACTERS

14/11/2016

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I don't write out a full character biography for my "people" though I can understand why some writers find this helpful.  I do ask myself questions about my characters though.  This is by no means the be all and end all of lists but I find it's a useful starting point.

  1. What is your most basic trait?  Courage?  Cowardice?  Honesty? Deception?
  2. What motivates you the most and why?
  3. What do you want and why?
  4. What are you prepared to do to get what you want?
  5. What is your attitude to your family and friends and why?
  6. How do you react to other characters and why?
  7. Do you have a sense of humour and, if so, how does it show itself?
  8. Are you easy to get along with or do other characters have to dig deep before really getting to know you?  What do you think has caused you to be like this?
  9. Do you have any hidden secrets and, if so, what would you do if they were revealed?  Why are they hidden in the first place?  Who hid them?
  10. What is your attitude when things go wrong?
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murphy's law for a fairy godmother

13/11/2016

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  1. She turns up to help a client and finds there are no pumpkins or rats anywhere for her to use as raw material for her spells.
  2. She finds she's left her wand at home.
  3. Her client is ungrateful (and moans about having to wear glass slippers a lot) and the fairy godmother has to resist the urge to "zap" them.  Zapping a client does not go down well amongst the fairy godmother elite.  It just isn't right and can put future potential clients off, which is the main reason zapping is frowned upon.
  4. The fairy godmother rarely gets to go to the ball or other celebratory event prior to successfully marrying the client off to some charming prince.  This is a shame.  Most fairy godmothers enjoy a good social event but they are not supposed to show off.  The pragmatic reason for this is if a fairy godmother draws attention to what she is doing, some witch might turn up and reverse in, in revenge for that occasion when Sleeping Beauty's curse was modified.  So no partying then for our fairy godmother.
  5. A dragon has turned up.  A monstrous, hungry dragon wreaking the usual havoc.  A magical being is needed to tackle it.  Suddenly other magical beings can't be found for love or money.  So it is down to our heroine to make sure the dragon is dispatched.  She can't rely on St. George turning up to do the job for her.
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IT'S TIME TO HEAD TO THE HILLS WHEN...

12/11/2016

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  1. The local fairytale witches' convention is held within a mile of your village.  They won't be able to resist showing off their magical powers and you don't want to be in the way.  A distance of at least 20 miles should be okay.  Start running...
  2. The local fairy godmothers decide to have a get together a mile the other side of the village.  Much the same applies for the witches' convention.  Get out while you can.  (Oh and if you grow pumpkins don't be surprised if when you get back someone's pinched the lot).
  3. Just for fun, the wizards decide it's time they have a jamboree to show the fairy godmothers and witches how magic should be done.  This does not go down well.  Fairy godmothers and witches unite, for once, to show said wizards "sisters really are doing it for themselves".  Fun to watch from, say, another continent.
  4. The usual signs of the moon turning blood red and you and your neighbours hear something that sounds suspiciously like four horsemen saddling up.
  5. You are "invited" to help destroy a ring of power.  If you like a quiet life, this invitation is one to refuse pronto.
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REMEMBERING...

11/11/2016

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On today, Armistice day (Veterans Day), the focus, as ever, is on remembering.  One of the nicest things I've seen today was a local bus company who, not only "wore" the poppy on the front of their bus as they usually do, but had changed their destination board to read:-

Lest We Forget
The Fallen Heroes


I thought it was nicely done.

War and conflict of course are the staples of many a fine novel, though one thing that has struck me about Jane Austen's work was her ability to completely ignore the Napoleonic Wars in her era.  Proof perhaps that escapism is not a new thing in fiction.

But whether we read/write escapist fiction or not, remembering should come into our stories somewhere.  Why? Our characters have their own lives and remembering, if only the mistakes they've made and what they learned from them, should come into the story somehow.  Readers need to see where our characters have come from. What our characters remember is a vital part of why they are the way they are.


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YOUR DAY IS ABOUT TO WORSEN WHEN...

10/11/2016

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  1. You discover a gold ring with a strange inscription on it.  No good ever comes out of finding objects like this.
  2. A wizard turns up on your doorstep and tells you about a quest you're about to go on.  He then tells you that you can't really refuse as there are dark forces after you already.  He hopes you can pack quickly.
  3. You decide to go out for a nice walk with your family and don't spot the golden haired girl who sneaks into your house.  You should have (a) had your breakfast before going out and (b) locked the doors and windows so nobody could get in, though on the plus side you won't repeat this mistake.
  4. Four human children suddenly turn up in your world and you find they know about Aslan.  If you are the White Witch, this is not good news.
  5. You find you are being pursued by dark forces and you wonder what you did to deserve this.  (Answer:  nothing.  Nobody ever said the magical world had to be fair.  Just as well really - it isn't).
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EXPECTING THE UNEXPECTED

9/11/2016

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You would think in a magical world at least it wouldn't be possible to be taken by surprise by either people or events.  You'd use the powers of telepathy or whatever to spot what was coming and presumably find ways of containing the coming problem.  Just as well this doesn't happen - fantasy fiction would be very short if it was!

Magic can't in itself be the be all and end all, else there is no story because everything is solved with a wave of the old wand.  So what limits have you set on magic in your stories?  Can these limits be overcome?  How did the limits develop? Do differing magical species have different limits (they do in mine)?  What other ways do your characters use to overcome their problems?

When the unexpected really hits the world you've created, how do your characters react to it?  Which show hidden courage?  Which show blatant cowardice?  How does reactions like these change relationships between your characters?  And when things settle back to what counts as normal in your story world, are things ever the same again between your characters?  (I don't think they should be but are the changes here positive or negative?).
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lines a fairytale hero/heroine doesn't want to hear

8/11/2016

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  1. Sidekick?  What sidekick?  Do you mean that guy who fell off the side off the mountain a while back?  PAUSES.  You didn't know?  Really?  Never a good start to a quest this.
  2. The talking animal is smarter than you are, especially if it's a cat.  Annoying but true.
  3. You've got two routes to take:  one is quick, the other involves danger and almost certain death.  Guess which one you've GOT to pick...  It is never ever the easy route (though most of those are never quite as easy as made out.  Easy routes are set up for the gullible.  It makes it easier for the intelligent villain to pick people off at will.  At least with the dangerous route, even the villain has to go to some effort).
  4. Yes, there is vast gold.  Yes, if you can find it, you can keep it.  Yes, it is funny you should ask but it IS being guarded by a massive dragon.  Yes, it does flame.  It destroyed three villages yesterday.  There really is no such thing as easy riches, especially in fiction.
  5. What do you mean, you can't read a map?  You've GOT to read a map.  You can't have a quest without one.  Very true but also unfortunate for the cartographically challenged.  There is no way round this.  Take map reading lessons quickly.
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QUESTIONS BEST NOT ASKED - OF A WRITER

7/11/2016

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  1. You've been working on that novel for ages.  Don't you think you should hurry up a bit?  Author X brings out three books a year.  (If you want to at least appear nice, you as the writer definitely don't reply to this one but smile nicely, while hoping your audience doesn't spot you're actually gritting your teeth).
  2. How many edits do you need?  I heard Author X only needs two...  (If you've already got an inferiority complex, this isn't going to help.  If, however, you need bringing down a peg or two, this should do the task quite nicely).
  3. Short stories must be so easy to write.  You haven't got so much to do as with a novel, have you?  (I have heard things similar to this though, thankfully not to my face - yet!  The polite short story writer will be struggling to resist the urge to swear copiously at this point).
  4. All poetry must rhyme.  (With apologies to my poet friends, but I bet you have all heard that in your time).
  5. How come it has taken so long for you to get anything published?  (The average writer will be suppressing the urge to find something hard and nasty to throw at whoever asks them this.  If published, well you know how difficult it can be to get to that point.  If not, this question really rubs it in).
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    Author

    I'm Allison Symes and I write novels, short stories as well as some scripts and poems.  I love setting my work in my magical world, the Fairy Kingdom, and my favourite character is Eileen, who believes hypocrisy is something that happens to other people without caring that statement is hypocritical in itself!  Eileen is huge fun to write for and about. 

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