There are priceless works of art, jewellery and other wonders scattered throughout the Palace but in the many centuries of its existence nothing’s been stolen.  The Palace has a strong claim to being the only building anywhere that can defend itself against theft as whenever someone did try to steal, the Palace itself sent out traps to ensnare the culprit before they could flee.  Many moons ago and in a particularly trying week for all living in the Palace, the building itself managed to trap and kill five would-be thieves in a week.  It’s just a pity the Palace’s magic wasn’t extended so it would be capable of refuting anything thrown at it by another magical being in a huff.  The Queen believes in making a place feel homely.  There are very few beings that thinks ensuring there’s enough gold objects for everyone to admire is enough there!

The Queen has inherited a substantial amount of jewellery and has had created her own works.  She loves precious stones of all kinds and admires well crafted work, regardless of which world it comes from.  She is seldom seen without wearing several pieces of jewellery, often from head to ankle (Eileen thinks ankle bracelets an affectation so doesn’t bother).  The Queen doesn’t have a favourite stone but her preferred setting is gold, as she considers silver a little on the “cold” side.  Eileen prefers silver, thinking it sets off the darker stones better.  Jennifer would have a fit if she knew how much jewellery her mother possesses.  The majority of it is in Eileen’s old Palace quarters still but the fairy godmother did take with her some of her favourite pieces and Derek was told these were payment for her old job.  Eileen has had them insured and has to pay a reasonable premium.  She has also cursed the jewels.  Anyone stealing them will become a poisonous toad (apt punishment in Eileen’s view).

The Queen’s preferred jewellery items are bracelets and rings.  She tends to wear tiaras as her main headgear, saving the heavy State Crown for only the most formal occasions.  She has had designed for her a range of wonderfully coloured scarves with precious stones sewn into them, some along the edge, some as a pattern of clusters.  She never goes anywhere without wearing at least six different pieces.  Each and every jewellery item is catalogued and comes with an inbuilt curse, the best theft deterrent or so the monarch believes.  Her jewellers are a family firm of goblins, whose identity is officially kept secret for their sake, though it is widely believed every single goblin knows who they are and the rest of the realm can make a good guess!  Having said that traditionally not naming this family remains.  Nobody wants to upset the Queen by changing that.  Even Eileen doesn’t (though she does it more out of respect for the goblins concerned!)

The Queen could have had several properties to her name but her ancestors did not see the point.  Her main Palace is the seat of government and is roughly centrally placed in the realm.  The royal family saw the need for a holiday home but nothing beyond that.  It is customary for the heir to the throne to live within the Palace with the monarch.  In the very bad old days, this was because the rulers didn’t dare trust their heirs so kept them close to hand on the basis if the Palace went up so did the likely plotter or the person any other plotters wanted to benefit by their actions.  Eileen has not queried or argued with this.  While not wanting the throne and easily able to prove that, there are advantages to her in living in the Palace.  She can keep a closer eye on what’s going on at Court.  And the Palace is the very last word in comfort and luxury, something even Eileen likes.

The Queen’s favourite room is the study, despite it being her main place of work.  She loves being surrounded by her favourite pieces of furniture, portraits and has a marvellous view out of the picture windows at one end of the room.  She has a wonderfully comfortable chair, the desk is mahogany and centuries old and she can cut herself off from the rest of the Palace in this room.  There are times she is glad to cut herself off from the Council!  The decoration is stylish, was chosen by the Queen and has not been altered since her succession.  Each monarch gets to choose how they want their study to be and it is traditional they stick with what they initially chose.  Food is often served to Her Majesty in here.

The Queen has portraits scattered all over the Palace but keeps her favourites in a small room off her study.  She often spends time in this mini-gallery at the beginning and end of each day, feeling taking in art is good for the soul.  The only reasons she doesn’t go in here is she’s either away at her coastal resort or there’s too much going on in the Kingdom meaning she’s spending every waking moment with her Council.  It is no coincidence her mood worsens when that happens!  Occasionally she will invite the chosen few to visit her mini-gallery.  L’Evallier has had the honour of visiting three times, Melanbury has visited once, and the Queen thoroughly enjoyed this as if anyone is going to appreciate art at her level, it will be these two.

The Queen relishes the chance to get to her coastal retreat.  She can have all of her luxuries, a complete change of scene, and relax, knowing the Council will not contact her here unless there is a dire emergency.  What the Council haven’t told her is they relish the break too.  It gives them a chance to catch up on their paperwork as the monarch believes a busy Council means they’re far too pre-occupied to bother her much!  The Household take it in turns to be the honoured few that remain to stay and wait on the Queen as they effectively extend their own holiday.  The Queen spends most of her time on the beach, in the water and walking in the woods.  It is such a lovely break from the demands of government.  She has to will herself to return to her Palace!

The Council have tried to get the Queen to allow them to use the coastal retreat during the main part of the government’s year as a break.  She has refused.  She does not want anything political in her get-away-from-it-all place.  Eileen used the place whenever she could after missions which caused some resentment in the Council (which was encouraged by Brankaresh).  Eileen ignored this.  The Queen crossly reminded them all Eileen was entitled to use the place by right of birth.  The Queen, while keen to meet the populace, does not meet them at this retreat.  She does mingle with the nearest villagers who welcome her stay.  The more remote in the Kingdom  you are, the more likely it is you are going to be thought of as in-bred and thick.  The fact the Queen chooses to spend part of her time in one of the remotest places in the realm the villagers hope will change that attitude.

The Council meet separately away from the Queen, partly so they can discuss her without her listening in and so they can work out what issues to bring to Her Majesty out of the many that they face each day.  In fairiness, the Council generally get this right.  Roxannadrell appreciates not having too many problems to deal with at a time.  FNN would love to film these meetings but Queen and Council gave them short shrift for even daring to mention the idea so it is likely to be some time before the broadcasters give this another try.  In the separated meetings, the Council do away with the formal greetings but this doesn’t make their meetings any shorter as they can chat for the Kingdom if they want to.  And often do.

The Head Housekeeper and the Lord Chamberlain have regular staff meetings mainly to check on Household morale and to ensure all is as it should be.  In fairness the staff are given ample opportunity to put in any complaints and express any worries they have.  These meetings are generally enjoyed as the kitchen staff put on a wonderful buffet, producing exclusive snacks for their colleagues.  The cellar staff naturally organize the wines and other liquid refreshments.  The meetings are held quarterly.  And the Queen and her Council know better than to (a) interrupt these meetings and (b) to expect much work from the staff the following day as most are in a fairly befuddled state!  Those wines are good!  In fairness, the kitchen staff set up meals in advance to allow for this.  The Palace is remarkably quiet on the day after these meetings...

The entire Palace staff is given one week off to spend at a luxurious coastal resort that only the royals go to for some R & R.  Eileen made most use of the place!  The Palace is run entirely by magic during the staff’s absence.  This takes an enormous amount of power, hence it is only done for one week.  The Kingdom has taken to  use manual power and machines to save on magical powers wherever possible.  The coastal resort is made up of one huge country house with direct access to a coral beech and permanently blue-green seas.  Woodland backs the property and the estate here is protected by major spells to ensure nothing harmful ever approaches this place.  Eileen also tried to extend her visits whenever possible.  The Queen herself goes to this retreat once a year, usually after her staff get back though a few remain, ready to wait on their boss.

The Queen wants Jennifer in the Kingdom to be a kind of live experiment as a hybrid that can be controlled.  It is generally felt that a hybrid would have weaker powers because of that side of it that is non-magical.  But the monarch is aware that in the animal realm “mongrels” can often be stronger in terms of overall health.  So could Jennifer be “used” to help the health of the magical realm?  Naturally Jennifer is unaware of this which is as well as she would throw a thousand fits (literally probably).  To say nothing of those her mother would throw…  The Queen still plans to get the girl in the realm permanently but for the moment is back pedalling.  She intends to act on this again when there’s little chance such an action would be anticipated.  Right now, Jennifer and Eileen are highly suspicious so this state of abeyance is likely to last for a while.

The ordinary folk take no notice of Palace shenanigans (though they will lap it all up if Roherum gets hold of any gossip going) and tend to respect the Queen and tolerate the Council.  The Council would like more respect but it is the Queen and Eileen that goes to visit the regions and actually talks to the hoi polloi.  The Council is considered far more snobby than the royals are and with good reason.  The Queen has suggested they visit their constituents more often but this has not gone down well.  The Council don’t want to meet the hoi polloi.  They just want the hoi polloi to do as they’re told.  Eileen’s defection then is the equivalent of an earthquake and tsunami as far as the realm’s concerned.  The people don’t want to lose their darling...

There is the beginning of competition for Roherum on the journalism front.  A radio system has been set up though he despises this for not showing pictures.  He has failed to realise there are times it is easier to listen to something rather than watch it.  I hope at a later idea to expand the radio idea and to show it becoming a real thorn in the flesh to Roherum.  I expect there to be some good drama and laughs in that.  Roherum will, sometimes, copy the techniques of journalists on other worlds.  For example, Roherum has picked up on Paxman’s never letting go of a question until it has been answered properly.  Regrettably Roherum has nowhere near Paxman’s intelligence.  And boy does that show.

Every item in the Palace is catalogued, including those porcelain vases which didn’t start life that way but which were those folk too stupid to stop arguing with the Queen.  She is very proud of her beign able to turn anyone or anything into statuary/fine porcelain.  The Librarian keeps these records up together.  Breakages aren’t reported as everything’s restored magically.  Every item in the Palace has a location allocated to it.  Nobody moves anything without express permission.   Very rarely someone turned into pottery is restored if a set sentence was given at the time of their crime or if someone powerful speaks up for them.  This has not happened since Gwendolyn’s time.    It is vitally important that these things are able to be located quickly in the event of restoration being granted.

Schools teach from standard spell books approved and issued by the current fairy monarch and her Council.  The books are updated roughly once a  year.  Fresdian plays a crucial role in this as does the Librarian.  Students are tested on their skills once a week (theory work is done as per standard exam style - annually).  All students are expected to master all skills (though it is accepted some are naturally gifted, others have to work at it and still others are never going to manage more than the basics, which are still enough to fend off an inconvenient dragon turning up and being a menace).  Eileen, pre defection, would’ve liked to update the curriculum further by focusing on practical magic (and if she could find a way of teaching common sense, she would have done that too).

Council meetings are about as much fun as they are on Earth - not at all!  There seems to be a universal rule that all such meetings must be dull, the minutes are interminable and the seating is never comfortable.  The Queen quietly believes that some sort of curse descends on each and every person who attends such meetings - the puzzle is who sets it and is it revenge on the boring meetings they had to go to.  The Queen takes some comfort from this as boring meetings mean life is carrying on as it is meant to do.  Exciting meetings inevitably means riots and chaos in the realm - after all there would have to be something exciting to talk about.  Eileen when in the realm got out of as many meetings as possible.  On several occasions the Queen had to put her foot down and insist Eileen goes.  Eileen only did so to avoid further hassle.

L’Evallier sees all of the Queen’s correspondence - incoming and outgoing.  Neither elf nor monarch are that keen on this (much more work for him, meddlesome bureaucracy as far as she’s concerned) but someone other than the ruler has to be aware of all that’s going on in case she is injured.  Melanbury, his wife, is now the royal letters secretary so she now shares the reading burden with her husband, easing his workload.  Surprisingly the Queen quite likes this arrangement - she has always been fond of Melanbury anyway but can also see the girl’s usefulness in making sure L’Evallier is not as much of a pain as he can be at times.  After all he’s not going to want to upset his lovely wife that much, is he?

The unspoken heroes in the Palace are the maids who back their boss up unstintingly and know the exact moment to arrange a cup of tea for the Queen.  The Council occasionally try to persuade the maids to help them with the monarch but they always refuse, pointing out Roxannadrell would see through such a ploy anyway.  There is a hierarchy amongst the maids.  The lowest scurry around, sent all over the marble Palace by the Head Housekeeper to carry out the more mundane tasks (it seems to the girls concerned they’re always dusting).  The highest serve the Queen in her private quarters and sometimes are invited to sit in on meetings in the study between the monarch and her ministers as these maids are occasionally called upon to act as independent witnesses.  The highest praise for a maid here is their discretion.  Scandals of any kind are considered as welcome as bubonic plague or humans by these maids and their employer.

There is no point in the long Kingdom day when someone isn’t cleaning the Palace.  The kitchens are cleaned thoroughly during the night by a reliable team of staff (imps are known to be good cleaners but their tendency to fight goes against them.  The Palace gets round this by only putting one imp on any one team and ensuring any pixies are on other teams working in different areas so the potential for fighting is as limited as possible).  The Librarian dusts and cleans just after closing time.  It is rumoured she only ever goes to her quarters to sleep and that she eats once every three days.  Neither of these rumours are true but she’s not the life and soul and tends to have meals sent up to her rooms.

The magical schools teach basic magical skills only though this covers a wide range.  Plants and their uses are studied in depth.  Historical magic and why certain spells are no longer used (due to causing nasty, unexpected deaths of the ones casting them) is a major part of the syllabus.  The curriculum is keen to show what happens to those who get it wrong.  It’s a good incentive to make sure modern day students get it right.  While the schools do teach some defensive magic, the Kingdom has not had to face a threat of the Witch’s nature before as previously witches would tacle fairies and/or wizards and vice versa.  The ordinary folk, the vast bulk of the realm, would be left alone so why teach them what they don’t need to knw?  Eileen saw the shortsightedness of this quickly.  Her well trained squad has been her best legacy.

Traffic congestion has been a problem in the realm’s skies which Hanacrill put a stop to by adding a spell to any flying device going over the speed limit.  Do it once and the device would just stop, embarrassing its rider.  Do it a second time and the device explodes, taking its rider out with it.  This idea has proved popular with succeeding monarchs and the skies are less fraught with danger than they had been.  Hanacrill’s tough line on traffic problems has been mirrored by Eileen and her squad’s tough stance on any form of magical crime.  It pays to behave yourself magically here.  This did not stop the Chief Witch rebelling however.  But then no force would have done.  Given her perceived injustices carried out against her family by the royals, there was no way the Witch was ever going to live a quiet life (though Eileen tried to urge her to do so).

The royal mail room is the most efficient in the Kingdom (and has a good claim for being the best in every known universe) mainly because they dare not be anything else.  The fairy royals pride themselves on being open to communications from the public and like to response to them quickly too.  This goes down well with the public.  It’s not so popular in the mail room!  The room is mainly staffed by goblins, who are renowned for speed and nimbleness.  Batches of letters are brought up to the Queen’s study for her to deal with at various points throughout the working day.  Letters are dispatched by a spell to the intended recipient, meaning there’s no need for stamps.  Also it makes it incredibly difficult to organize a postal strike.  The Queen is very happy with this.

One reason why the Queen gets specialists to watch other worlds on her behalf, as well as doing so directly herself as part of her duties, is so they can report on ideas and technology that might be useful to the Fairy Kingdom.  Nobody wants to use more magic than they can help so if a machine will help reduce energy usage then the Kingdom will pinch the idea for its own use.  This custom has been going on for centuries and every generation ends up usually picking at least one idea from each world they watch.  Gwendolyn brought back the television system, rechristening it fairy-vision.  This is a common trait here - take an idea and rename it though the realm doesn’t usually bother changing the name by much.  After all who’s going to sue them for copyright infringement?

Of all the worlds the Kingdom watches, Earth is the only one that is unaware of the fairy realm’s existence.  This is deliberate.  Earth is considered the most dangerous planet because of humanity’s dodgy influence on it.  And everyone in the fairy realm, good or evil, is united on one thing - humans should never know about the existence of their world.  The risk of them trying to corrupt the place is far too high.  Even the Chief Witch followed this particular rule.  This, of course, is why Eileen’s defection came as a shock - of all the places she could choose, why Earth?  It’s why her defection is considered an act of treachery - Brankaresh refuses to believe Eileen won’t give the fairy world’s existence away.  It guarantees her exile and would be a good form of revenge.  Certainly in her shoes it’s what he’d do.

There are areas inside the Palace that are used for the secret testing of spells or potential new ingredients for charms.  These areas are sealed magically and physically against intruders.  There is a department called the Testers, which explains what they are and do, but nobody knows who they are, again this is deliberate.  It has been speculated L’Evallier is one as is Hanastrew but both refuse to comment.  The Queen gets to use potential new spells first, followed by Eileen.  Eileen has commented about this but didn’t make too much of a fuss about it so the Queen did draw her own conclusions from that.  Eileen doesn’t see a problem with hypocrisy - if she can see the usefulness of something, she’ll use it.  It is unlikely that the Testers will ever become official, public knowledge.  And even Eileen will not quibble with that.

One of the loveliest areas in the Palace is a suite of interconnecting rooms called the Peace Area.  This is set on the fourth Palace tier, away from the hurly burly of government on the third tier, and all the rooms have fabulous views across the parklands, orchards, lakes and Fountain of Youth.  One room is full of the most popular fairy tale volumes where people can just read, another plays any kind of music the visitor cares to name (soothing type welcomed, rock music less so) and the third is a place of complete silence. When anyone goes in there, the doors are sealed and no noise is permitted.  The only sound anyone can hear in there is their breathing (and that’s only done to reassure the visitor they are still alive).  Household members earn credits via good work to gain time in these rooms.   Time in the Peace Area is like having a retreat in pure air and everyone who spends time here comes back to work refreshed, reinvigorated and as if they are on a permanent tonic.  The Queen decides who goes into which room, depending on the known tastes of the individual being.  L’Evallier has also spent time in the silence room and adored it, though this was long before his marriage, and now his idea of a tonic is having quality time and sex with his wife.

The Queen has a select band of highly qualified fairies and the well trusted wizards who report to her on life on the other worlds the Kingdom is divinely commissioned to keep an eye on.  Nobody who’s reported on Earth has ever come back to the monarch with unremitting praise.  From time to time these highly qualified people go and live on the worlds in question for a while to check all is well at that end and, above all, to make sure there are plans to attack the Fairy Kingdom again.  Most of the other worlds (Earth is the one exception) have been at war with the Kingdom at some point, usually over the realm’s magical powers.  Rarely, these beings are caught out, charged with spying and executed.  War inevitably follows…  What worries the monarch is this hasn’t happened for a few centuries now, certain worlds have not reformed at all where others have and Earth has always been something of a dump thanks to humanity’s presence and the Queen thinks it can’t be long before trouble brews again.  This partially explains her hostility to Eileen’s defection.

The staff quarters are well appointed.  The royals have been generous for centuries to “their people”.  The critics (including L’Evallier) have wondered out loud if royal generosity has bought a lot of servant silence.  The royals insist now Gwendolyn’s gone there isn’t any silence to buy.  Staff work in rotas - three weeks on, one week off in any one month.  Staff are assisted if they want to take holidays outside of the Palace grounds (these are huge, you could have many walking holidays) as the royals arrange easy transport to save staff using their lesser powers.  This is the equivalent of someone working for the railways getting a free railway pass.  Every department in the Palace has its manual as to how things are run, why they are run that way and what happened to the last folk who tried to challenge the system (the latter is never good though as Eileen told L’Evallier once, surely this is proof the royals are not guilty of bribery.  Coersion and threats, yes; bribery, no.  Unsurprisingly the elf is not impressed).

The kitchens are well equipped with ranges similar to our Agas and Rayburns of differing sizes.  The pots and pans are of the highest quality and must be able to withstand magic hitting them.  It is not uncommon for a frustrated cook, when things are not going well, to try to detonate their equipment.  The Queen insists on the highest quality food and drink.  Fruit and veg are grown on the Crown Estate.  Meat is reared by peasants (they do have cattle, sheep and pigs, this is because they’ve observed human life for a long time and concluded this is where we get our meat from).  Meat is taken into the Palace.  The Queen would not countenance killing animals on her grounds though she loves eating humanely killed ones.  There are vegetarians in the realm (some of L’Evallier’s relatives are well known for this).  The Queen insists rare animals, imported from Earth or native, are not harmed.  Anti-animal cruelty laws are tough.  It is possible to be executed for breaking these. You’d have to be mad to try to harm the royal unicorns.  They defend themselves brilliantly and nobody has been known to survive this.

Illustrators are highly prized in the Kingdom, writers less so (the fairy tales have already been written and nobody in the realm likes Shakespeare’s Queen Mab, given both quean and mab were slang words for tart - let’s just say nobody, including Eileen, ever mentioned the Bard of Avon in front of Roxannadrell).  Water colours are the favourite style, though works produced in oils are admired too.  The Palace is full of wonderful examples of both kinds.  Gwendolyn used to paint, Roxannadrell does not.  Eileen has been known to sketch.  Jenny has a talent developing here (though is as yet unaware of it).  Art is encouraged at the magical schools.  Many find it a nice change to have a lesson where a wand or a spell is not necessary.

The Queen’s bedroom ceiling is made up of one huge landscape showing the rolling parklands and the lake feeding the Fountain of Youth, her favourite view.  It’s like having a giant photo stuck to the ceiling but it is painted and intricately so.  The Queen commissioned this herself shortly after her accession from her late mother’s favourite artist.  Every monarch gets to choose what landscape they’d like on their bedroom’s ceiling.  The rest of the Palace has hundreds of portraits, mainly of the royal ancestry, with smaller landscapes of the better looking regions in between.  Art is a compulsory subject at school - not necessarily to draw or paint etc as it is recognized not everyone has the natural ability here and it is felt art should not be forced but where people don’t take part, they are expected to read about it, visit galleries, (on certain Open Days visit the Palace) and be able to tell the artists apart.  It is felt a working knowledge like this prevents barbarism.  Sadly it hasn’t prevented the sprites being a complete pain - they just’re a pain who know their art!

When Eileen was still resident at the Palace, her own suite was more simply decorated, reflecting her own wariness of fuss.  She liked good quality furniture, simply decorated walls (though even she liked gold rimmed mirrors) and plain white ceilings.  The result was pleasing so if Eileen was hoping to rebel against the gorgeous excess so common in Palaces around the universes and to prove a point to her cousin, she failed.  Eileen won an award for The Most Tasteful Suite in a Historic Building Award for three years running.  She herself thought the award judges were taking the proverbial out of her (though she wasn’t going to argue.  Who’s going to moan they’ve got good taste?).  Both Eileen and the Queen collected pieces of art, the former sticks to landscapes while the monarch also gathers sculptures (and occasionally turns someone into one!) and even some photography items, one thing from Earth she really likes.

Roherum wanted FNN to produce a Eurovision contest - after all everybody loves a good sing he thinks - but this idea floundered.  The mockery from his colleagues led by the weatherman took him aback as it was far more ferocious than usual, when FNN sounded folk from different species out they were all derisory, nobody wanted to hear an orc sing and the Queen eventually sent a memo saying this was not to go ahead as she feared it would lead to rioting.  There was no chance of dwarves voting for elves or vice versa so the species with the greatest number of contenders would win such a contest as their kind got behind their “man”.  The Queen could not see the other species just sticking to a peaceful “it’s not fair” protest, especially if a pixie won.  The imps would be creating mayhem within the hour of the result being announced.  Even if you had one contender from each species, there would be arguments between the Kingdom’s regions as to which of their dwarves, elves, trolls etc took part.  Roherum is disappointed but accepts he can’t go against the royal whim. 

Eileen doesn’t miss much in the way of Kingdom life now she’s on Earth though she misses Hanastrew and Melanbury and certain friends in the Palace.  However, Eileen does miss the Library as the Kingdom has one of the most extensive collection of books anywhere.  The Library has books not just from the realm but from all worlds the Kingdom is connected to or has reason to be wary of (in the case of Earth both apply) so there was no shortage of decent reading material here.  Eileen can’t help but make comparisons every time she visits the library at Kirkham.  One thing the fairy royals got right, and even Eileen acknowledges this, is that everybody can access the Library and the Household staff are positively encouraged to do so.  The general public has to apply in writing to be allowed admission but they are made very welcome.  The only thing they have to promise is not to start a fire by any means whatsover.

There are some libraries in the Kingdom at large, mainly in the bigger settlements, but the locals living there aren’t so generous about sharing their facilities with outsiders as the Queen is.  Her Majesty has dropped considerable hints to do otherwise and to date has not wanted to take a firmer line, recognizing that a lot of the unsharing attitude is down to bad historical experiences between different groups.   At some point though she will have to state that things will not get better unless people are prepared to “let go” of old resentments and hanging on to them for ever won’t do anyone any good.  Eileen has urged the monarch to take a firmer line sooner though she does understand why Roxannadrell hasn’t.  The Queen has genuinely wanted to give these settlements a chance to sort their attitudes out but time is running out…  Eight centuries is quite enough to be going on with when it comes to grudge holding.

The seas in the Kingdom are teeming with weird and wonderful wildlife but are largely an unexplored world.  It is felt best to leave this world to the merpeople, an attitude they themselves have done much to encourage.  Whilst some sailing is done to get between certain regions, merpeople here have a nasty habit of watching ships and boats and giving those on board a knowing stare, enough to disconcert all those whose blood isn’t made of ice.  Mysterious sinkings are blamed on the merpeople too.  Fairies don’t see the need to sail, they’ll use the direct transportation spell or the cherry trees.  Witches use broomsticks (as will wizards) so it is mainly trolls, orcs, dwarves, sprites and, occasionally elves, that sail.

Jenny wants nothing to do with Kingdom life though there are many aspects of it she’d like.  She’d love the Palace grounds, she’d get on well with most villagers and the landscapes in many regions are truly amazing.  The Kingdom is slowly coming round to the idea of Jenny being part magical.  Alas she has not come around to the idea of the Kingdom taking an interest in her.  FNN and Roherum especially has a good sense for which way the wind is blowing and has effectively taken the Queen’s hint that Jenny is to be “sold” as a potential asset to the realm.  Most in the Kingdom can see right through this but they can see Jenny’s usefulness, if only in reining in Eileen a bit, something to salute the girl for as nobody else has been able to do this.

The magic in the realm’s atmosphere, which everybody breathes in (and their bodies use in different ways, hence the species’ varying magical gifts) is strengthened by the major species’ development of new spells and the planting of certain plants, trees and herbs in huge clumps.  These latter items contribute most of the ingredients for spells.  The larger the clump, the bigger the concentration of magic.  In the heart of the Palace is a machine (developed by various Chief Wizards) which monitors the amount of magic in the air (similar to our pollen counting systems).  If the levels go too high (usually due to war), land becomes barren, crops are destroyed and the wars are brought to a close as nobody wants to see the realm destroyed and magic has to be taken out of the system until levels are back to an acceptable reading.  FNN report on the magic count as part of the weather bulletins every night.  People get twitchy if the readings go up more than three days in a row.  It means trouble literally is brewing.

Only a select group of artists are commissioned by the Queen and Council to paint official images of the monarch and her government.  These artists are also commissioned to paint the Kingdom in a good light, literally.  Various species, including some sprites, paint for fun but this is not taken seriously and if any amateur thought of exhibiting their work, they would find this stopped so quickly by the elite they wouldn’t have time to protest.  Eileen does not like this and has refused to have her portrait painted.  This decision was made easier to take given the ancestral pictures in the Palace all make her forebears look like they’ve got chronic constipation.  Eileen prefers the natural look, natural art...

The idea of exploring other worlds is discouraged here.  So often other worlds have found the Kingdom and attacked it coveting its powers but there were times when the realm did go exploring and well it ended badly.  The official line is the Kingdom will keep a watching brief on certain worlds, including Earth, as it was divinely commissioned to do but it doesn’t mean they have to go to these places much.  Eileen, pre-defection, was very useful for sending out all over the place.  Eileen was all for developing ties with the other worlds to try to make up for what happened in the past but neither Queen nor Council wanted to know.  FNN sometimes puts out documentaries on these other worlds but always from the “these terrible people attacked us” viewpoint so objectivity is, to put it mildly, lacking.

One of the great wildlife sights everybody tunes into FNN to watch is the migration of the biggest unicorn herds from their winter grazing fields to their spring ones, then later on to their summer and autumn ones.  This is filmed at a distance as nobody wants to get in the way.  The main herds live in Kingdom Area 1, the same area as the Palace, which is renowned for its grasslands and woodlands.  Whilst unicorns do mainly live in the forests, they like good quality grassland grazing too so want their favoured habitats in the same general area.  All grasslands and woodlands in Area 1 are protected by law (punishment is a nasty curse which nobody has been known to recover from.  Eileen claims it is the death penalty in all but name).  Some unicorns have permitted themselves to work for the royals - the royals and unicorns appreciate the dignity and high standing the other can give.  These unicorns are well cared for.  The Queen is the only one able to ride them.  Eileen could but won’t.  Prior to her defection she helped care for them appreciating their beauty and dignity.  The unicorns would have had no problem with Eileen riding them but she felt she could use her own transport and save them.

The Queen drops in on the villages when they re-enact the fairy tales.   She also reads every and any version of the fairy tales produced by any world (and does not approve of them all, where she can discreetly destroy “bad” versions she will).  The villages make their monarch welcome though nobody really relaxes until after they know she’s enjoyed the show.  Kingdom publishers bring out the fairy tales regularly with new pictures, often with notes as to where they have been performed successfully and they supply the schools, by law, with at least five copies of each new version.  L’Evallier collects books, Melanbury reads them.  Eileen loves Earth produced detective stories and thrillers (this is considered as prime facie evidence living on Earth has corrupted her, according to the Queen).

Village Halls throughout the realm tend to be similar in size and all have a big stage with cramped dressing rooms at the back.  However the style in which they are decorated does vary.  Each village takes pride in doing up their hall once a year in a different style to the year before.  The emphasis is on colour with giving a feeling of welcome to the place.  Squabbles have been known to occur between villages over who pinched whose ideas for the latest decorating bout.  All decorating is done in the early spring and all able bodied magical beings of whatever age are expected to take part in this work (without magic, it is felt manually redecorating is far more artistic than waving a wand about).

The Queen is unusual in having a hobby, gardening, as all of her ancestors have focussed on riding (unicorns), bossing the realm (Gwendolyn), doling out the goodwill and bringing errant beings into line.  The Queen likes to think her hobby benefits the Council as if she’s more relaxed, that’s bound to help them but they don’t really approve.  Hobbies are for peasants…  L’Evallier, ironically, is the only one with some sympathy for the Queen here despite being the biggest snob as he is a collector of fine art, portraits in particular.  But even he feels the Queen should not indulge in a hobby that gets her hands dirty.  Eileen feels the gardening thing is the only way the monarch shows any spirit, some determination not to be totally bowed down by the weight of the Crown, and so is the only one to fully back Roxannadrell on this.

The royal gardeners have their own stores set near the Giant Flower Garden, though the stores are more a glorified conservatory and the glass in the windows glints a thousand colours in and around the immediate area.  The gardeners tend not to use magic to help plants grow as they think nature wonderful enough but as an aid against pests of all kinds, a good spell and a wand is an excellent aid.  And when dragons and other foul fiends are about, there is no alternative.  There’s a limit to what weedkiller can do.  The gardeners take pride in what they do and the Palace gardens are always a riot of colour from the subtle tones right up to the brashest hues magic can invent.  The Queen finds a great deal of peace in her gardens and whilst the gardeners look down on her own “little patch”, monarchs aren’t supposed to get their hands dirty, the gardening staff accept she means well and best still she does not meddle with what they do, unlike Eileen who was known to moan if a hue was too bright or a rose had grown too tall.

The nicer varieties of birds are encouraged into the royal gardens.  What the Queen wants are the beautiful singers (lovely ideally in voice and looks but a sparrow won’t be turned away).  What she doesn’t want are birds that rip other birds apart for their food so no magnificent falcons or sparrowhawks here.  They - and their magical equivalent in terms of birds of prey - stick to the wilds not daring to do anything else.  Being blasted out of the sky by a gun on Earth is one thing, the bird does have a chance of getting away, but in the Kingdom no spell cast specifically at a target misses and the birds are in no position to cast spells back to defend themselves.  That privilege belongs to the humanoid type of magical being only.  The Witch’s dragon uses its natural cunning to help it and those spells it picked up whilst it lived with her.  But this is odd and dangerous…  Nobody wants wildlife being too clever.  Nobody wants to consider where that might lead.

There is a Rough Guide to Magical Creatures book (every household must have at least one copy) and a fairyvision programme based on the volume is broadcast frequently (everybody is expected to watch).  Updates are added as and when new species are discovered though it has been noted with some dismay this only happens when some unfortunate dwarf somewhere ends up being dinner for a creature the realm has not heard of before, witnessed by his colleagues.  There is a reason only the dwarves work in the deeps.  The other species aren’t stupid.  The dwarves insist they’re not but given the inherent risks just associated with mining, the other species beg to differ.  Mind, the dwarves do come up with some excellent descriptions of the new creatures - accurate, explicit and known to make the fainthearted sick.

Sunny dispositions are encouraged at the Palace.  The Queen loathes squabbling (especially when sprites are involved as they usually are) and long faces (reminds her too much of Eileen’s grumpiness prior to her defection).  The Household have developed the perfect expression for every occasion - the polite smile, which is allowed to become a polite grin if the circumstances are appropriate. Eileen feels this polite expression is nothing more but starch as a facial gesture but the Queen appreciates it.  Eileen dislikes the artificial aspect of it, which is something the Queen welcomes.  She has no problem with faking things should the need arise.  Those Household members with good cause to be sad (family illness or death) are given extended generous leave of absence, fully paid, until they are fully recovered (sadness of this ilk is considered a minor, recoverable illness.  The idea of prolonged grief seems strange to the magical world.  Even the Queen recovered from her mother’s murder, though it is telling the monarch loathes any mention of it so people take the hint).

Naturally between them the Household knows everything that goes on in the Palace and there is a close bond between them and the Queen.  The Queen considers them as her family almost and certainly they rallied round with much needed support and encouragement in the immediate aftermath of Eileen’s defection.   The Council worries from time to time as to how much the monarch confides in her Household but, in fairness, the only leaks have come from Her Majesty directly, something the Council is aware of.  The Household are the ones the Queen has to convince most of all and it wasn’t before she was able to do that she went ahead with her idea of kidnapping Eddie and Jenny, figuring Eileen would be bound to follow.

The Palace cellars, containing certain perishable foods and drinks, extend for miles in all directions.  The cellars are cold, dark and dusty though the Lord Chamberlain and Head Housekeeper jointly keep records of what they know to be down there.  There have been persistent rumours of a monster living down there but nothing has ever been proved.  Monster and Oakstaff have carried out works in the cellars, both unaware there seemed to be something watching them.  Not that either would have been perturbed - little frightens Monster and Oakstaff, with the exception of Wes, has not met a problem a decent bout of magic can’t deal with.  It is also believed, especially by the Council, that the cellars contain a great deal of embarrassing material to the royals they don’t dare get rid of or which might still prove useful.

What FNN broadcasts is the subject of most conversations most day.  Incidentally FNN does interrupt its usual schedule if the Queen, Eileen or Council feel the need to speak to the people or if there’s an attack on the Kingdom. 

Discussing just how much of an idiot Roherum has been this week is a fun thing all join in with.  Nobody can imagine FNN without him - nor do they wish to. 

There are one or two comedy shows, which are performed live when the Kingdom fancies a break from re-enacting the fairy tales but this happens at Midsummer and Midwinter’s Days and the comedy is expected to be funny, clean and about the fairy tales normally put on. 

In recent years jokes about FNN and Roherum have become more prevalent.  Satire as we know it is unknown and not really approved of but send-ups (especially Roherum and the weatherman) are gaining in popularity.  It’s a matter of time before the comedy shows are broadcast (Roherum would oppose it but ratings for these live performances are rising).  Sprites are the main comedy performers, this surprises nobody.

FNN’s daily schedule is dominated by the nightly news bulletin though a typical day would look like this.

Morning Schedule
6.00 a.m.  Summary of last night’s news
6.15 a.m.  Fairy Tale of the Day, reenacted
7.30 a.m.  First bulletin of the day’s news
8.00 a.m.   Roherum’s Thought of the Day (generic title, it’s supposed to be a serious analytical programme on the news, a bit like our Newsnight).
9.00 a.m.  Schools programmes on magical beings in history, maths, science (here it’s practical magic use) and geography (also covers which dangerous magical beasts live where, this is the nearest the realm gets to a government health warning!).

Middle of the Day Schedule
12 noon  Lunchtime news bulletin - not led by Roherum.  He insists he’s out gathering material for the main evening show.  The weatherman says Roherum’s out having a really good lunch…
1.00 p.m.   Live re-enactment of a classic fairy story, put on for the benefit of the older magical beings who either don’t find it so easy to get to an actual show (held in the evenings usually) or can’t face being in a live show with youngsters making a lot of noise (this is considered a good thing by most of the Kingdom).  The broadcast shows are remarkably popular.
3.00 p.m.  History Hour.  Naturally the wars the Kingdom have fought are featured here, all told from the official viewpoint only.

FNN’s Afternoon/Evening Schedule
4.00 p.m.   Plant With Sherrill Flowergreen, the Friendly Witch.   Compulsory watching for everyone - the Queen sees to that.  She wants all in her world to take better care of the “good” plants as well as being able to defend themselves against the “bad” ones.
6.00 p.m.  The main FNN bulletin, where Roherum lets rip.  A combination of a serious news programme, travel advice, commentaries on other worlds and the funny stuff. 
8.00 p.m.   Evening film.  Again based on the classic tales, the films can vary from a deadly serious style to a spoof to a cartoon type entertainment.

FNN’S Evening/Night Schedule
10.00 p.m.  Last bulletin of day - not hosted by Roherum, covers one or two more serious issues.  We’d consider it as a kind of Newsnight Lite…  It may be serious by Roherum’s standards but that’s not saying much.
11.00 p.m.  Nightly five minute speech from the Queen.  It is expected that everyone bar the very young, ill and old tune in.  Not everybody that should does and this Queen won’t persecute anyone for it but Gwendolyn, who brought in the fairyvision system, would’ve done so.  Speech finishes with a trumpet fanfare.  As Wes has often said to Stan, this is not the way to send people off for a good night’s sleep!

Overnight Schedule
11.05 p.m. until 5.59 a.m. Very much the graveyard slot, it is felt something should be put on if only to give the insomniacs something else to moan about.  There tends to be programmes from the regions put on here so if you’re keen to see what’s going on where you live, you’ve got to wait until most other beings have gone to bed to get to see it!  It is felt regional programmes are not that interesting as a rule so should be shoved here where those that want them have them without inflicting them on others.  Some of the shows are indeed dire but there are gems amongst them including the local history reports, which deserve a wider audience but are unlikely to get one.  The Queen never tunes in, Eileen used to every so often.  She liked the local history slots.

Earth’s most colourful plants have been transplanted into the Kingdom too, the vast majority being in the Palace grounds and taken comparatively ready.  There are many jokes about the Queen not just being green-fingered but light-fingered with it.  Eileen doesn’t entirely approve of this as the Kingdom genuinely has its own flowers of which it can be very proud.  However the Queen has a private ambition to have a selection of the very best plants from every known world in her garden at some point.  Her gardeners live in dread of her bringing back a triffid from somewhere!  The last thing they need are intelligent, meat eating plants….  Dealing with the magical equivalent of slugs and snails is bad enough.

The royal gardeners take on the same tasks as Earth ones - planting, weeding, pruning.  The Kingdom species tend to be much larger than their Earth equivalent plus there are magical plants that could not live anywhere else.  Every gardener has to have specialist knowledge of the plants as well as general knowledge about watering, soil and food requirements.  After all if a magical tree gets out of hand, the gardeners need to be able to control it magically as well as trim out any dead wood.  FNN has one long gardening programme per day.  Whespy and Stanrock swore this programme was living proof time could stop and there was such a thing as eternity as they could never abide Plant With Sherrill Flowergreen, the Friendly Witch.  Everyone in the Kingdom watches it as the government decrees it educational and all should know how to deal with rogue plants when they come across them.  The sprites have no problems with that but just wish it could be done in a more interesting way - Sherrill is known to go on at length.  There has been speculation as to whether she’s related to Roherum but so far no proof has been offered and the pair themselves refuse to say, prompting rumours they are related and both are embarrassed by the other.

Villagers living near rivers go in for fishing, swimming and boating much as we do though they face fiercer fish (the kind that make pike look timid) and swimming has to be done very quickly (because of said fierce fish, they won’t eat people, they just resent sharing their special space and say so at length.  Would you fancy being nagged at by a trout with attitude?  Well neither do most folk in the Kingdom!).  As for boating, the fish resent that too but there’s not a lot they can do about solid, magical wood!  These fish aren’t eaten - nobody can ever catch them and they’re impervious to spells.  The less fortunate fish, the smaller varieties, do form a major part of the Kingdom’s diet.  There are fish eating birds of prey (though they too leave the nagging big fish be) which tend to take after our osprey in appearance but at ten times the size.  They cast a massive shadow whenever they turn up and most magical beings stay out of their way, just to play safe.  Understanding nature, in this case the birds really do just want to eat the fish, is not a big thing here.

Certain species cross dimensions.  The Kingdom, for example, has bees similar to those on Earth and that carry out the same roles.  The one difference is bees don’t sting if they die here.  Their sting inflicts a mild curse on their victim.  If they sting a humanoid figure, the sting results in an attack of boils for a few hours. There is no remedy, these aren’t ordinary boils, they come up purple and green and magic used on them to remove them only makes them get bigger. Leave them alone and the boils go away on their own.  Bees vary in size to match the varying sizes of the flowers they pollinate.  The Queen’s giant flower garden attracts the largest species of bee, being two feet long from tip to tail.  There are no wasps in the Kingdom, mainly because nobody can see the point of them.  They like their “ordinary” creatures to be useful.  They see it as offsetting the fire breathing dragons to a certain extent.  It’s nice to know you have wildlife that won’t kill!

The colourful birds exist in the Kingdom too - kingfishers, robins, birds of paradise and so on - but the plainer birds do not.  Sadly this means no blackbirds, wrens or sparrows.  Colour is important in the magical realm.  It is rumoured in the Kingdom that far from being extinct, the last male and female dodos were taken from Earth and brought to the magical realm as the monarch at that time could see how things were going and decided evacuation was better than extinction.  The Palace has had peacocks in its grounds for well over 1500 years, this being something from Earth the magical monarchs liked.  Eileen is not surprised by any of this - her regal family has always had a taste for the flashy and showy.

While the Kingdom has had a violent past, it has been mainly directed by the different species within it with direct threats faced from other worlds seeking to gain their magical powers happening roughly once or twice per 150 years or so.  Eileen had joked years ago one could set one’s sundial by this.  For all its faults the Kingdom has not sought to conquer other worlds, mainly defend itself against those wishing it harm.  However the realm is not above exporting its ideas to other places, Earth being a particular target, as the Kingdom would love to restrict mankind’s pollution and violence.  The outright use of magic here would, it is felt cause more problems than it solves, so it is a question of “selling” the idea.  The Kingdom watches the environmental lobby with considerable interest.  Whilst humans are still warlike, this lot are the least warlike imaginable and that suits the realm well.

Earth wildlife programmes are admired though mainly for the contents rather than the humans producing or presenting them.  FNN has yet to do a similar programme but when your average creatures include dragons, getting close up and in depth films on these is only for the very brave, which is one thing Roherum admits he is not!  Also there is a quiet debate as to whether orcs and trolls should be studied as many in the Kingdom would argue argue they were wildlife too.  Naturally this is a quiet debate as nobody wants to kick start the riots of yesteryear again.  Underwater wildlife programmes are especially admired though the Kingdom despairs of what humanity has done to its seas.

Trees are considered incredibly important in the Kingdom, partly because so many of them are used for transport and their role in providing oxygen is appreciated more here than it is on Earth.  Timber is used in building materials but only from select, non-transport trees, which are harvested in a sustainable way.  Trees thrive well in a good magical environment, they wither, even burn away in a bad one.  While there are barren areas made that way thanks to magical fighting, most places do have trees and even the sprites don’t damage them.  (They damage other plants, buildings and so on but give the trees a wide berth, sprites have been known to use the transporter type as getaway vehicles).

The Palace is kept continuously clean by the Household, but when the Queen goes on her summer tours, the staff take the opportunity to carry out the annual deep down clean, involving noisy equipment which would irritate their boss if they used it in her presence.  Think giant vacuum cleaners capable of sucking up anything and anyone.  The other reason the Queen stops the use of these things when she’s in residence is she knows full well the Household may well be tempted to suck up anything and anyone irritating them.  She knows that when she returns from her tours they’ve got to give an account of what they’ve been up to.  If anyone has gone missing in her absence, the Household are held to account to it  (it is usually too late to retrieve the unfortunate victim from the outsized suction bag!).

Pets as a concept really is alien here.  Humanity’s love of pets is one redeeming factor in our favour but the Kingdom considers this a bit of an oddball given we (a) happily eat other animals and (b) we lavish far more love and attention on pets than we do our fellow human beings.  The Kingdom thinks humans feel by being kind to some creatures we can make up for the immense suffering and damage we’ve done to others and that we’re wrong to think that!  Mind it is difficult having a pet in the magical realm given so many obvious creatures do not lend themselves that well to being tamed.   The Queen keeps a stable of unicorns that deign to allow her to ride them but even she treats them with the utmost respect and dignity.  The unicorns see themselves as being at her service because they choose to be.

The Council representatives have to face their constituents regularly though they try to limit this, preferring to stay at the Palace with all its privileges than be back at home talking witih their people.  The Queen often has to push her Council to go back to their constituents though L’Evallier, Rodish (later Balkish) and, of all beings, D’Dathson the orc are particularly good representatives for their species.  The Palace has its own postal system and the Council, as well as the Queen, gets more mail than they’d like.  The Queen and, prior to her defection, Eileen are pretty good at dealing with their correspondence as are L’Evallier, Rodish and D’Dathson.  Every so often the Queen moans at the other Council members over this.  But to date they haven’t changed their behaviour here, yet they wonder why their constituents feel the Council is so often a complete waste of the ordinary people’s time.

Villages often organize their own day trips to the beaches and forests their ancestors visited.  While these trips are not officially set in stone, they may as well be as the villages don’t alter their set schedules.  There is communication between the villages so neighbouring places don’t go out at the same time.  There is an unspoken arrangement villages will look out for their neighbours so nobody undesirable (usually these are considered to be sprites or trolls) invades while these annual trips go on.  The Queen herself does not do this kind of thing, believing it to be undignfied.  Eileen has been invited to be the guest of several villages she’s aided and has had a wonderful time at these trips, much to her cousin’s disapproval, not that Eileen cares about that.

FNN produce programmes about life on other planets, the main focus being Earth, but “facts” are often distorted to fit in with long held Kingdom views.  The Kingdom knows humans are warlike but tends to ignore those that are anything but as these folk don’t fit in with expectations.  Eileen prior to her defection had produced books to counterbalance some of the misinformation the Kingdom’s had - these books were not destroyed and are in the Library simply because of who she is.  Eileen’s books are in the restricted section where you have to apply for permission to even enter the place yet alone borrow a volume from it.  Given the names of all those who request permission are kept on register for future reference, requests are limited.  Eileen herself knows the Queen and her Council are to blame here rather than FNN, though Eileen hopes the fact the broadcasters tend to trivialize matters might make the wider people aware there may well be more to life on these other planets than they are being told about.