Blog Archives - Fairytales with Bite

Fairytales with Bite

FAIRY TALE LAWS - PART 2

1/3/2015

Age
The youngest sibling is destined for greatness always. Bad news for me as I'm the eldest.

Humility
Those who are humble tend to be helped on their way by a fairy godmother they hadn't known they'd had. In fairness I think it safe to say there is no world anywhere, fictional or otherwise, that likes the arrogant. They definitely won't do well in any magical kingdom and may well find themselves getting the wrong side of it (always a bad move that, you just know it can't end well).

Lowly Jobs
Never despise those who work in a kitchen or do any other kind of menial, manual job. They are the ones who if there is magic in the air will benefit from it. Never ever forget where you came from and always be grateful for what you have.

FAIRY TALE LAWS PART 3

28/2/2015

Broomsticks
Are never just used for sweeping the porch. Almost all of them in the magical world are powerful flying machines and in the hands of a skilled flyer can get up incredible speeds. The golden rule here is not to get in the way of the broomstick or its owner/flyer. That can't end well - for you.

Crystal Balls
Not a painful medical affliction as some have suggested but a powerful magical aid which enables its owner to see a short way in to the future and to see what their enemies are up to. Owners of crystal balls really will know what you're up to and are not to be crossed (or you will pay a very heavy price indeed).

Black Cats
Mainly kept by witches as familiars, these cats are usually ill tempered (other than with their owners, cats really are not stupid) and are not playful little kitties by anyone's stretched imagination standards. They (and their owners), if you are lucky, will only scratch you. You don't need to know what happens if you're unlucky (though it would pay to cancel any immediate or pressing engagements).

FAIRY TALE LAWS

27/2/2015

Practically all fairytales have at least one moral to them, which stands out clearly, but below are some general pointers for visitors to the magical world to bear in mind.

Appearances
These can be deceptive. Play safe and assume the old person you've met is a witch or a wizard and get out of their way as soon as possible. You know it makes sense...

Test of Character
It is very common for folk to be asked to do something for someone else during their stay in the Fairy Kingdom. The realm is very good at getting others to work for it for nothing and will find ways of helping those who help it. Just something to consider before you tell the person who is looking for the proverbial needle in the haystack that you can't help them, you are in a hurry and must move on. Stop what you're doing and help them out.

Gingerbread Houses
These really do exist but think very carefully before you start eating it. The owner will be a witch. The sweets and other goodies that make up the house are there for a reason - to lure in the unwary who will not leave the property again. The witch does not eat sweet things. She prefers the meat course. Don't say you weren't warned.

FURTHER ALTERNATIVE DEFINITIONS FROM THE FAIRY KINGDOM

26/2/2015

Photography - The human way of creating art.

Books - The ultimate guardians of stories. Anyone harming a book deliberately is not to be trusted. So often they go on to harm people. Human history is full of this.

Queues - Designed to develop patience. (Often does not work).

Libraries - The ultimate guardians of books. Be ware of anyone wishing to close libraries. It is a way of restricting access to knowledge.

ALTERNATIVE DEFINITIONS AGAIN...

24/2/2015

Fairytales - According to the magical world, these are the equivalent to serious non-fiction facts and have to be memorized by everyone. The idea is to try to stop the same mistakes happening again. That has had limited success.

Frogs - These are never what they seem and the likelihood of them being a victim of enchantment is very high. Frogs are protected by law in the Fairy Kingdom on those grounds alone. Witches however tend to see frogs as useful ingredients for spells and sometimes keep them as familiars.

Giants - Are outsized villains. There's no time or belief in Roald Dahl's The Big Friendly Giant here. To date though most find it very easy to avoid giants and ogres. At least you can see them heading your way!

Roads - Are meant to be kept up together but in reality it has taken calls from Hanastrew and her crew plus more forceful calls from Eileen when she still lived in the realm to get these roads up to a reasonable state of repair.

ALTERNATIVE DEFINITIONS IN THE FAIRY KINGDOM

24/2/2015

Highway - Road set in the sky (some of which are of yellow brick construction).

Lowway - Road set below ground (this is really one for the dwarves though they would argue their roads were at the perfect height and everything else is far too tall).

Traffic Lights - Pretty coloured lights which some old fashioned people use to control movement of vehicles but which are really only there for decoration. A common belief in the Fairy Kingdom and one that is shared by all Audi drivers here on Earth.

Litter - Form of transport in the Kingdom used by the very old fashioned who feel wheels are either (a) dangerous or (b) a flash in the pan and you can't beat being carried around by burly people of the opposite (or same) sex (depending on preference here).

Rest Room - A room that has seen far too much activity taking place in it, has been made a complete wreck and which now needs time to itself to recover. (Also if you want to be saddled with tidying the place up, by all means go on in but most magical folk give such rooms a wide berth given they do not want to be saddled).

GOBBLEDEGOOK IN OUR WORLD AND THE FAIRY KINGDOM

23/2/2015

Along with most writers, I loathe the misuse of the English language. I don't like text speak (is it really that much effort to put the proper word in?) but I really hate pompous wording so all power and glory to the Plain English campaign. Below are some examples of pomposity I've come across for real and some I've invented for my fictional Fairy Kingdom.

Talent Acquisition Officer - means Personnel Officer
(My thanks to my husband for spotting that one). To me, this sounds like someone recruiting for one of the talent shows (and I'm not keen on those though I understand Bake Off and Strictly Come Dancing. At least with those people are learning real skills and if you do them in the right order, you can dance off the calories you put on baking the cakes!).

Functionality - means functional
I winced as I typed the word in bold and cringe whenever I come across it. Something is either functional or not - there is no "ity" about it!

And for the Fairy Kingdom:-

Victim Support Prospectivity - means you're a fairy godmother looking for a hopeless case where you can whip out your magic wand and transform someone's life. The jury is out as to whether it is for the better. Cinderella may been happy but the rest of that dysfunctional family were not!

Witchism - means prejudice against witches just because they are a witch. (My Eileen would argue in her line of work she has to be rather witchist as they're the ones usually trying to kill her).

MORE ALTERNATIVE DEFINITIONS IN THE FAIRY KINGDOM

22/2/2015

Crone - Disguised evil stepmother or witch from the outset. Genuine old women are friendly souls and don't try poisoning people with fruit.

Wand - The main means fairy godmothers have to achieve anything. A fairy godmother needs her props, her security blanket and the wand is it.

Witch - Not wise woman in the Fairy Kingdom. Troublemaker is closer to the mark.

Wildlife - This can mean ingredients for spells (all witches tend to see wildlife this way) or the natural world which needs to be preserved (fairies generally see it this way) or a resource to be exploited (humans have seen it this way).

Magic - Natural energy here. For us, something to be wary of given how often it is misused. (Not that we really have grounds to moan about anyone else exploiting anything given our own records here).

MORE LESSONS FROM THE FAIRY TALES

21/2/2015

If your life is unremittingly grim and people are cruel to you, be on the lookout for your fairy godmother to turn up. It is almost an unwritten law that this will happen in these circumstances.

If you are given a picnic basket to take to an elderly relative, go straight to that person's house and if at all possible try to avoid going into any kind of woods. You will either need to watch out for the big bad wolf or a certain cartoon character who was forever pinching people's picnic baskets.

GETTING BY IN THE MAGICAL WORLD

21/2/2015

Don't offend wizened old people. The clue is in wizened. They are bound to be a witch or a wizard and will know/have used more curses than you have had hot dinners. Be polite always. You can't go wrong doing that.

Don't ill-treat any amphibian. Bear in mind they might not have always been an amphibian and what happened to them could happen to you. Secondly, play your cards right and you may well break that curse and end up with a marriage partner, half the Kingdom, riches galore and so on.

It is not unusual to hear animals talking in the magical environment. Don't ask how they all seem to know fluent English. That is just the way it is and helps any English speaker in any case. Do listen to them. Something happened to them to make them speak. It pays to heed any warning they issue.

Good fortune favours the brave, the youngest of three, the step-daughter who is currently working her guts out in the kitchen and so on. It pays to befriend all of these groups. When they come into their fortunes, they will remember those who were kind to them.

MORE LESSONS FROM THE FAIRY TALES

19/2/2015

My mum taught me not to speak to strange men. So what was Little Red Riding Hood's mum doing? Did she not say anything about avoiding talking to wolves with an uncanny ability to (a) speak, (b) speak in the correct language and (c) speak gramatically at that? (Why didn't any of those things ring alarm bells in Hood? If you want to survive to adulthood, don't be naive!).

If a frog turns up in your well and it too has an apparent ability to speak, go along with it. Your future could bode well if you're nice to the thing. (And unlike the wolf it can't possibly eat you whole!).

Note to witches: if you're keeping someone captive in a tower, do check regularly on hair growth or they will find a way to use it to escape. Also watch what you feed them? What on earth made Rapunzel's hair so strong it could take the weight of a man climbing up that tower? (Note: the Philistines made the same mistake over Samson and his re-growth of hair and from their viewpoint the story did not end at all well).

THINGS TO WATCH OUT FOR WHEN VISITING THE MAGICAL WORLD...

17/2/2015

Suspiciously coloured roads. Yellow bricks are a dire warning that something is afoot. They're not normal road building materials so the world you're in can't be normal either.

Maps that say "Dragons Be Here ". Remember the locals know their environs better than anywhere else. So if you come across this, unless you are St. George or have a fire extinguisher handy, get out quickly. They're not fibbing about the dragons.

When you are welcomed with excessive friendliness instead of caution and then a gradual relaxation as the locals realize you are only passing through. Excessive friendliness is a good indicator that a sacrifice is needed and the locals have either run out of virgins and/or will use a passing stranger like you to appease whatever needs that rather than choose one of their own.

Flora and fauna will be similar to what is found on Earth but some of it will be magical, some of it will be downright dangerous and unless you are Fresdian, the Fairy Kingdom's expert, eat and drink nothing until you see the locals do so (and survive). Also be aware that not only good creatures like fairies exist here, there will be monsters as well.

FURTHER LESSONS FROM THE FAIRY TALES...

17/2/2015

If you are of the tall persuasion (for me that's anyone over about 5' 8"!), beware of lads named Jack as they often turn out to be unexpectedly accomplished when it comes to wielding an axe. They also tend to nick your treasures.

Old women disguised as apple sellers should be avoided at all costs and they themselves should be aware they've been rumbled. Never ever eat a bright, shiny apple that stands out from the rest in the basket. It's almost certainly been poisoned.

I have no idea what Twinkle Twinkle Little Star is really about as, in my experience, stars tend to "twinkle" perfectly well by themselves and don't need exhortations from me to do so.

FURTHER LESSONS FROM FAIRY TALE CHARACTERS

14/2/2015

That pride comes before a fall - as the Gingerbread Man found out the hard way.

That gardening is an important hobby for many fairy tale/nursery rhyme characters - in particular for Mary Mary who is very keen to see her garden grow (though personally I worry a bit about the pretty maids all in a row bit of the rhyme. Whatever packet of seeds Mary got to get those growing in her garden should be used with extreme caution. Pretty maids today, heaven knows what tomorrow).

That it pays to be observant - take, for example, Ali Baba watching how the thieves get into their cave but it is so important to have all the information needed. In Ali's case it was how to get out again. Always, always have an exit strategy.

MORE LESSONS FROM FAIRY TALE CHARACTERS

12/2/2015

That Tom, Tom the piper's son is not to be trusted with livestock.

The same goes for Little Bo Peep (though in her case at least she only lost the sheep, rather than having nicked them).

Puss in Boots is not about a cat going to the chemist.

That big bad wolves are prone to a spot of cross dressing every now and then.

FURTHER LESSONS FROM FAIRY TALE CHARACTERS

10/2/2015

That if you spot a cat playing a fiddle, it may be time to check what you're drinking and/or where your mushrooms come from.

That if you spot a dish running away with the spoon, it is definitely time to check what you're drinking and/or where your mushrooms come from.

That if your name is Jack and you come across a really tall plant, turn around, pretend you didn't see it and walk away fast. Under no circumstances climb the thing unless you actually want to fight a giant. (If you do want to fight a giant, it's probably time to seek medical help - it's not exactly a normal wish is it?).

That if you're newly married and your husband tells you not to go into a certain room or open a certain door, get out of there fast. It isn't mountains of paperwork he's keeping stashed in there!

WHAT FAIRYTALE CHARACTERS CAN TEACH US

9/2/2015

That there are some very powerful substances (illegal) out there as how else could someone envisage a cow jumping over the moon?

That cross dressing is considered a bad thing - see Little Red Riding Hood's story for more details.

That whoever translated the story of Cinderella was no cobbler and had no idea of practical footwear - glass slippers, really?! (I know I wouldn't want to wear them. Slip and risk them breaking sending shards into my feet. I don't think so).

MORE THINGS FAIRYTALE CHARACTERS CAN TEACH US

8/2/2015

Puss in Boots
That decent footwear is appreciated by all.

The Big Bad Wolf
That it pays to check out who you're planning to eat (and avoid woodcutters at all costs - they disagree with you!).

Cinderella
Should've asked my fairy godmother for a decent watch. Timekeeping is important. Oh and always plant pumpkins in your garden. You never know when you will need one in an emergency or hurry.

The Gingerbread Man
Being able to run fast is an absolute must. Avoid hot drinks at all costs (else you will be dunked).

Sleeping Beauty
Avoid spindles and cross old witches. Decent bedding is a must for those times you need to get your head down.

MORE FAIRYTALE LIKES AND DISLIKES

7/2/2015

The Giant (from Jack and the Beanstalk)
Likes Englishmen, collecting treasures (whether the owners have finished with them or not) and scaring people.
Dislikes Cocky young upstarts who make off with my treasurerers, gardeners, axes, weedkiller.

The Seven Dwarves
Likes Snow White, decent cooking, good housekeeping, diamonds, gold, beer
Dislikes Snow White's evil stepmother, apples, old hags pretending to sell said apples, Snow White being naive

Hansel and Gretel's Stepmother
Likes Time alone with one's loved one and no annoying kids in the way, good food.
Dislikes having to share good food, any food come to that, with said annoying kid. Also know-it-alls who make trails to try to get around attempts to lose them.

FURTHER LIKES AND DISLIKES FROM FAIRY TALE/NURSERY RHYME CHARACTERS

4/2/2015

Puss in Boots
Likes: Good quality footwear, mice, a life of luxury
Dislikes: Humans trying to outwit him (cats always win this particular battle), getting wet, boots that don't fit properly

The Cat (from Hey Diddle Diddle)
Likes: Violin music, laughter, athletic farm animals (always good for a giggle)
Dislikes: Rogue crockery (the dish and the spoon especially), getting wet, humans patronizing him (cats do the patronizing of humans, thank you).

The Three Blind Mice
Likes: Strong smelling cheese, having somewhere of their own to call home they can escape to
Dislikes: Cats, people who won't share cheese with them, obstacles (and is it really beyond the wit of man to build a pavement which is straight and doesn't have paving slabs which are uneven and a trip hazard).

FURTHER FAIRY TALE CHARACTERS LIKES AND DISLIKES

4/2/2015

The Wicked Witch
Likes: Cooking (children a speciality), changing the climate so it is always winter and never Christmas (means she never has to worry about getting presents or cards out because you always miss and upset someone but she's found a foolproof way round that).
Dislikes: Farmhouses falling on her head, bonfires (so often the witch is the bonfire), children getting the better of her, being shoved in an oven and anything and anyone remotely good.

Fairytale Stepmothers
Likes: her own children, fashion, make-up and a good sized mirror, royal parties,
Dislikes: her stepchildren, interfering fairy godmothers who act on behalf of said stepchildren, royals who fall in love with anyone but her own children.

Hansel and Gretel
Likes: woodland walks, bread, gingerbread, outwitting evil stepmothers.
Dislikes: Evil stepmothers, being abandoned, getting lost, witches who like to cook children (and anyone who thinks disliking that is unreasonable. This usually applies to the witches who like to cook children).

MORE LIKES AND DISLIKES OF FAIRY TALE CHARACTERS

2/2/2015

The Princess of the Princess and the Pea fame
Likes: a decent duvet, lots of pillows and uninterrupted sleep
Dislikes: green vegetables that mysteriously make their way under my duvet and keep me fidgeting all night.

Snow White
Likes: keeping house, dwarves, apples (particularly red ones) and wildlife
Dislikes: evil stepmothers especially when disguised as old women (it's cheating and I know she doesn't care about that but I do).

Rapunzel
Likes: long hair, decent shampoo and conditioner, hairbrushes and tall towers
Dislikes: Having long hair cut, witches and having to let some regal chinless wonder use my hair as a ladder (it hurts).

Sleeping Beauty
Likes: a nice comfortable bed with lots of pillows, sewing, exploring remote areas of the Palace
Dislikes: spindles and witches with a rotten temper

MORE LIKES AND DISLIKES OF FAIRY TALE CHARACTERS

2/2/2015

Cinderella
Likes beautiful ball gowns, dancing, getting the better of her step mother and ugly step sisters.
Dislikes timekeeping.

The Little Mermaid
Likes Swimming, having proper human legs, falling in love.
Dislikes The original version of this tale given it is far more gruesome and tragic than Disney's take on it.

The Big Bad Wolf
Likes Bacon (though roast pork is a close second).
Dislikes Pigs who can cook. Cauldrons over open fires!

101 Dalmatians
Likes large families.
Dislikes the fur trade and Cruella de Vil.