Blog Archives - Fairytales with Bite

Fairytales with Bite

GETTING READY FOR THE DAY JOB... THE FAIRY QUEEN

31/5/2015

A lot depends on the Queen's diary here but if she is at the Palace, her routine is fairly constant. She rises at 7 am, relishes a piping hot shower and has breakfast in her suite while reading the daily papers. She refuses to watch Roherum and FNN until she feels suitably fortified, a precaution many in the realm take. There is only so much over-enthusiastic presenting anyone can take before 9 am.

The Queen is always in her study by 8.30 a.m. and spends about 90 minutes working on her correspondence. She replies to as many of her subjects as possible. One of the few areas where Roxannadrell did impress Eileen was that the monarch replies by hand and will not use magic to mass produce replies, though it would be very easy for her to do so. The first Council meeting is at 10 a.m. and only lasts for an hour. This is mainly to go through the papers and any remaining matters from the day before.

The Queen always goes riding at about 11, then it is back to the Palace for a light cooked lunch. More paperwork (government papers) takes up her time between 2 and about 5. The second Council meeting of the day reviews the day, the Queen gives specific instructions to her councillors at this briefing and once this meeting is over, the monarch checks her diary, completes her correspondence for the day and then meets with her Lord Chamberlain at about 6.30 to check all is well with the Royal Household.

The Queen always has some form of entertainment before dinner (at 8 p.m.) which is usually music based. She likes dancing but after dinner she prefers to relax with her feet up, reading light fiction. It's the one time of day where she metaphorically takes her crown off for a while. Sometimes there are concerts for her to attend in the evening but this is a labour of love for her so isn't a hardship (though she will not give up her at home evenings unless she must).

GETTING READY FOR THE DAY JOB...THE CHIEF WITCH

30/5/2015

One great thing, from the Chief Witch's point of view, is that her make up routine takes no time at all because she doesn't bother with one! It's not as if the public expect to see a witch with perfect skin and flawless make up.

Having said that, the Chief Witch, while not conventionally beautiful, does look striking and her policy of drinking plenty of water and moisturing works well.

As far as she is concerned, her preparations for the day job are ensuring her wands are always charged, she has the latest spells (and she will steal from whatever sources developed these) and she knows where Eileen is. Usually that is the place the Chief Witch avoids.

It is known in the Fairy Kingdom Eileen and the Witch were close as children (there isn't much of an age difference either, unlike with the Queen). L'Evallier and Brankaresh to name but two are suspicious of just how close Eileen and the Witch are these days. But it is known the Witch will not challenge Eileen directly. The Witch has had several opportunities to do so and has rejected them all, much to the disgust of her fellow bad witches, who would like Eileen taken care of once and for all.

The Witch believes her best chances of successfully taking the Kingdom for herself is to isolate Eileen so the fairy godmother cannot operate against her and to do everything by stealth rather than outright confrontation. This is why Eileen believes the Witch is one of the most intelligent, and dangerous, foes she has ever had to face.

GETTING READY FOR THE DAY JOB... EILEEN

30/5/2015

Eileen never wasted time on anything, yet alone getting ready for the day job. This was partly because whenever she came back from a mission for the Queen, aside from disappointing Brankaresh for having the temerity to survive, Eileen would put her wands on charge so they would be ready for the next mission. She liked the idea of just being able to grab these and go, knowing they would be restored to full capacity within an hour of being put on charge. Naturally she took to the idea of charging batteries, mobile phones and so on when she moved to Earth.

Eileen also saw reading up the latest on magical techniques, spells and so on as part of her Continuing Professional Development. She would spend at least an hour a day doing this. The royal Librarian was always happy to research what magazines, books and so on should be kept in stock and Eileen, over time, read them all. Eileen also wrote for some of them, partially to correct errors and partially to impart useful information the likes of Hanastrew would benefit from later.

Eileen always had a decent shower or bath on return from a mission, regardless of how tired she was, because of course she would not know when the next call for help would come in. Her maids helped her keep her clothes in good order. Eileen liked practical separates and she imported these from Earth, usually bringing them back with her from one of her frequent visits. Eileen generally didn't bother with makeup but she did like her hair to be clean and in good condition. Likewise her skin. She could, and has, given chapter and verse on the importance of using a decent moisturiser.

GETTING READY FOR THE DAY JOB...HANASTREW

29/5/2015

The main thing Hanastrew has to do to get ready for her day job is to keep herself fit and her magical skills up to date. She does both of these things with relish as she adores her job. She is never happier than when she has returned to the Palace, having successfully dispatched the latest monster bothering the realm.

Hanastrew spends most of her training in the Palace grounds in areas set aside for her and the fairy squad to practice their magic without anyone else being able to get in the way. When not there, Hanastrew is in the Library, reading the latest copy of Which Spell? magazine. She also reads the old magical books as she believes, rightly (and like Eileen did), there is much useful information to be gleaned from older volumes, most of which has been forgotten by everyone else. Naturally that gives Hanastrew (and gave Eileen) a huge advantage.

Target practice is probably Hanastrew's favourite sport and she is a top markswoman when it comes to using her wand. Away from the day job, Hanastrew loves her food and drink (and thinks chocolate is one of the better ideas the Fairy Kingdom imported from Earth). She has no time for salad...! In fairness, Hanastrew easily burns up everything she eats and she does maintain a healthy diet (she's particularly fond of fish) but she's not a "nut" when it comes to keeping fit. She just sees keeping fit as a natural part of her life and job.

THE FAIRY SQUAD

29/5/2015

This was initially set up by Eileen who became fed up with being the Kingdom's one-woman problem removal team. She saw the squad as her way of getting help with policing the realm and she was right. They did help her and she became more relaxed as a result. They weren't ever going to stop Eileen's defection, nothing would have done that, but without the squad, there was every chance she would have gone sooner than she did.

Eileen taught the squad some of her tricks of the trade (there was no way she would ever share them all) and they have become a very efficient magical fighting force. Now led by Eileen's protege and number one fan, Hanastrew, people think twice about taking the squad on directly. Even the witches have to calculate the likelihood of being able to get away with something without the squad rectifying it before they do anything. Eileen and Hanastrew consider this a result.

the fairy kingdom's definitions of magical crime

25/5/2015

Not using the magical skills you have to the best of your ability.
Not using the magical skills you have to improve the Fairy Kingdom in general, whether this is improving other lives or saving the realm from some monster, bad witch or wizard.
Not using your magical skills to defend the Kingdom against external threat.
Allowing your magical skills to fall into disuse.
Using your magical skills for corrupt purposes (usually to enrich yourself artificially or to gain power by dubious methods, which is usually murdering other magical beings in your way).
Allowing magic to become available to inferior species - humans generally. They cannot be trusted to use magic properly which is why the Kingdom won't let them anywhere near the real thing. They treat what we call magicians with contempt but see them as useful decoys.
Leaving your world to live on an inferior planet (this is a specific dig at Eileen for defecting to live on Earth).
Forgetting to recharge your wand or magical staff as required.
Not keeping in proper contact with what is going on in the magical world via crystal ball and/or FNN. Ignorance is no excuse in the Fairy Kingdom either.
Not knowing the original fairy stories off by heart.

SPOTTING THE GOOD WIZARD...

24/5/2015

Spotting the good wizard is not particularly easy but the following list gives some useful pointers in the right direction.

A good wizard will not kill his apprentice for getting the magic wrong and wrecking the place by flooding it. Instead he will make the apprentice clear the mess up manually and ensure that spell books and other accessories are kept well out of reach in future.
A good wizard will not hesitate to support the Fairy Queen and her government and will be glad to share his development in magic if it would be of use to the realm as a whole as well.
A good wizard will ensure that if he needs live ingredients for spells, he uses the minimum necessary and, better still, finds another way of achieving his objectives. A good wizard accepts that the eye of newt is best situated in the head of the newt and the poor creature left to live its life in peace.

MAGIC IN THE NATURAL WORLD...

23/5/2015

The natural world, no matter what dimension you are in, has enough magic of its own. Just as on Earth, the beautiful spaces of the Fairy Kingdom inspire artists (especially painters and photographers) and writers (especially poets, though Roherum's attempts at poetry are best avoided, he tends to come out with dodgy limericks which are only broadcast because he is the face of the Fairy News Network).

Photography is one of the ideas the Fairy Kingdom directly borrowed from Earth (well they call it that, strictly speaking it should be "nicked"). The Queen has a wide variety of landscape photography as part of her personal art gallery. The public are allowed to visit it but have to be accompanied at all times by members of the Royal Household, mainly to make sure they don't "borrow" from the royal collection. Recent additions include the pictures here.

A recent addition to the Fairy Queen's photography collection. This was taken from her holiday estate and is one of her favourite places to walk.

This forms part of the Queen's Palace grounds. It is a separate lake from that which feeds into the Fountain of Youth and Palace residents and visitors love sitting here. Calm exudes from the water itself or so it seems...

MAGICAL BATTLES

23/5/2015

The vast majority of the Fairy Kingdom's residents avoid magical battles as the injuries are worse than those in an ordinary battle and it is possible to curse someone so that their wounds never heal. (That of course leads to the victim dying as a result).

Past battles have badly scarred certain of the Kingdom's 7 regions, so much so that these areas are now permanently barren and bleak. Nothing can stand having too much magic going through it. Attempts were made to restore these areas but all failed and they are now left abandoned, unvisited and generally not mentioned. Fresdian occasionally retries a restoration spell of her own invention but she has had no joy here either.

Most magical battles in the past have taken place outside of villages and towns as there are huge areas of open land between residences. Usually the villages and towns have been able to avoid damage directly but this is not always the case and so most dread it when the Witch gets uppity as they know it will involve a fight of some sort eventually. They also know they're the ones to clear up the mess later.

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A WITCH AND A FAIRY GODMOTHER

21/5/2015

A witch will not hesitate to blast someone away if they are getting in her way. A fairy godmother will prefer to turn said pest into another species - usually a frog or other amphibian.
A witch is quite happy to have a house made out of sweet stuff with the idea it will entice kids so she can cook them. A fairy godmother will warn of the dangers of the sweet stuff on teeth and point out she is on good terms with the Tooth Fairy, who isn't always as gentle as she could be. (If that last bit doesn't put people going after a sweet house, nothing will).
A witch will turn up and spoil a royal christening. A fairy godmother will appear after that and undo or limit the damage.
A witch will think twice about challenging a fairy godmother as she knows the latter can defeat her magically if pushed. A fairy godmother will not think twice about taking on a witch if she feels the latter's behaviour merits that.
A witch will go into alliance with a wizard if she feels she can gain from it. A fairy godmother never would do so as she knows the majority of wizards are treacherous so-and-sos.

THE FAIRY KINGDOM'S GUIDE TO SPOTTING EVILDOERS

21/5/2015

They all have an evil laugh.
Most of them are ugly and resent the fact.
They are not good socializers!
If they have pets, they too are ugly. There's no room for anything sweet or cute here.
They have an unhealthy interest in poisons (the unhealthy bit not applying to themselves. They have a list usually of who they would want to give the poison to).
They do not use magic for the common good.
They do use magic to destroy.
They have an unhealthy interest in gaining power for its own sake. There's no room for democracy here.
They are quite happy to summon or create creatures they can use to inflict pain or death or usually both on others.
They are quite happy to hunt endangered or rare species and to make them more endangered and rare!

THE QUEEN'S COUNCIL

17/5/2015

The Kingdom has 22 different species and all have a Council representative. The Council also represent different areas in the realm so everybody has a “MP” they can take their problems to. The Queen, on her visits, will often hear what her Council have been doing to help the populace and has been known to grill the Council if she feels their help has been lacking or not given quickly enough.

The fact FNN exists tends to focus the Council’s collective minds on getting the help done and out of the way or they’ll be roasted by the broadcasters. The Council hate that. The Kingdom welcomes it. FNN have achieved something useful!

Forms of address can be tricky in Council meetings and the Queen has got around this by calling everybody by name making the meetings less formal. There is a Post Office like arrangement at the Palace as the Queen is inundated with mail and again if any problems her Council haven’t dealt with come up here said representative gets a roasting and is literally booted out of the Palace to tackle said problem forthwith.

REASONS FOR AVOIDING THE FAIRY KINGDOM

16/5/2015

It's magical and you will have no control over that at all.
Not every magical creature will wish you well. Quite a few would be very happy to eat you.
The landscape itself can be treacherous to the stranger. It's a form of magical defence against invasion and it is unlikely visiting strangers will be seen as tourists.
You will not be able to tell who is, for example, a good fairy godmother and who is a bad witch. Good witches still wear the big black pointed hat. All witches do. The hat is as much a part of them as is their broomstick.
It is possible you will be recruited to help fight magical battles (the Kingdom has no qualms about asking for help and even less about seconding it without the formal request).

REASONS FOR VISITING THE FAIRY KINGDOM

15/5/2015

You love most, if not all, things magical and would welcome the chance to visit one of the places of origin for magic in general.
You, if you are Jenny Williams, are kidnapped by the Fairy Queen and have no say in the matter.
To get away from a worse world and you need somewhere else to hide out.
You love the fairy tales and want to visit the realm from where they originate.
You are Eileen and are going "home" to help out against the latest monster.
You have been everywhere else around the universe and this is the last place on your list.
You crash land your flying device (be it a time machine like the Tardis or something simpler like a flying carpet) and you end up in the Fairy Kingdom by accident.
Your fairy godmother wants you to go!
You have been helped by beings from the Fairy Kingdom and you want to go there to return the compliment when they are in need.
You are Fresdian and want to map completely the entire realm's flora and fauna.

FRESDIAN'S FAVOURITE NATURAL HAUNTS

15/5/2015

Fresdian, later Rose, lost count of the miles she walked around the Fairy Kingdom studying her beloved flora and fauna. Her great advantage was those places she couldn't walk to or around, she could always use flight to reach.

This scene shows Fresdian's favourite landscapes - water and mountains.

Fresdian loved being able to see some sort of water source when out and about. The unkind claimed this was because Fresdian was keen to prove she wasn't an old witch (who are notoriously not keen on crossing water of any kind) but the fairy godmother just liked being able to see what she called the source of life.

SOME OF FRESDIAN'S FAVOURITE WALKS IN THE FAIRY KINGDOM

14/5/2015

Fresdian lost count of the number of miles she walked around the Fairy Kingdom as she studied her beloved fauna and flora, taking care not to get too close any passing dragons. She loved coast and woodland equally and the pictures below show some of her favourite walks.

Fresdian loved walking along sandy beaches and the freedom of the wide open spaces.

Fresdian also lost count of the number of notebooks she filled with her observations but her books, most of which are in the Queen's Library, were all based on these. Fresdian also enjoyed sketching and her books are full of her illustrations.

Fresdian's other favourite countryside walks with fields, hills and trees.

HOBBIES IN THE FAIRY KINGDOM - WALKING

13/5/2015

Walking is more of a hobby than you might initially think. Not everybody in the Fairy Kingdom flies. Even those that do appreciate the chance not to have to fly. Certain parts of the realm everyone avoids, usually due to these places being the known haunts of particular monsters.

The after effects of having too much magic hit it have led to certain areas becoming totally barren. Some like Fresdian will visit there and appreciate the bleakness but to the Queen and her Coucil these places give them a sense of shame and they won't go anywhere near them.

Most in the Kingdom prefer walking along the coast or in woodland. There is a deep and abiding appreciation of the natural world in most of the Kingdom's residents. The image below shows a typical "just outside the village" scene where everybody goes for basic walking.

A pleasant scene outside of most Kingdom villages.

A Kingdom beach, popular with residents and their pets, is very similar to those found in Scotland.

Even the Witch has been known to enjoy a good walk. She uses such things to work out ideas, to get away from her office for a bit, and to terrorize any other walkers she comes across. She sees the latter activity as "keeping her hand in". Most avoid any areas where the Witch is known to walk. Thanks to FNN this is more widely known now.

fairy kingdom humour

11/5/2015

It has to be said there are quite a few magical species that have no sense of humour at all and the jury is out as to whether the Fairy Queen is one of these. Certainly it is not what she is best known for whereas Eileen could and often did come up with biting one-liners in response to her critics. They didn't appreciate her humour but it was hard for them to respond to, which, of course, from Eileen's viewpoint was the whole idea.

The sprites go in for practical joking and are universally loathed for it. Dwarves like to share funny stories though the "funny" is strictly for them. Roherum will try to come up with puns and jokes every so often and most wish he didn't bother. The weatherman has tried telling him but has got nowhere on his campaign to get the presenter to "sober up". (And that's the kind of pun Roherum would like).

The Witch loathes all humour especially since she is well aware that many jokes are told against her, well out of her earshot. Most of those jokes come from Eileen, who would happily tell them to the Witch's face. The Witch sees no point in tolerating that but plans to make Eileen pay for the humiliation in due course.

FIVE QUESTIONS THE MAGICAL WORLD OUGHT TO ANSWER...

10/5/2015

Why the Fairy Kingdom and its various species won't use their magic to prevent wars - their own and those on worlds they're divinely commissioned to keep an eye on (i.e. Earth). Given all magical species feel they are superior to non-magical ones, why not intervene to save us from ourselves? (One answer to this is some magical species do despise humanity so are quite happy to see us destroy ourselves).
Why the Fairy Kingdom won't use its magical skills to at least help inspire those trying to find disease cures. Generally the magical world considers this is something we should do for ourselves.
How does magic work? If there is anything the Fairy Kingdom really hates, it is having to give explanations for anything.
Why are you magical? What was special about your world that you were given the magical powers? The Fairy Kingdom definitely won't answer this one. They don't like the resentment behind this for one thing. For another thing, they don't know!
How did the Fairy Kingdom decide to use its magic the way it does? How did it come up with its rules? Again, the Kingdom won't answer this. They don't want to explain. The rules have been worked out over centuries (usually as a result of magical wars. This is a little like British democracy coming about over centuries with different struggles/conflicts moving the process on - Simon de Montfort's campaigns were one struggle, Magna Carta was another, women getting the vote was another, just to name some examples).

FAIRY KINGDOM PUBLICATIONS

8/5/2015

The Fairy Kingdom issues a wide range of publications which includes its own version of the Highway Code. Every settlement has to hold a copy of every single publication (this is usually done by the local library) and most are updated annually.

Writing for these publications is farmed out to those the fairy government know have a way with words. It is a question of dead men's shoes here. It literally takes years to be even considered to write for one of these.

The schools and colleges also have to have copies of the publications available for students to look at as and when they finish ordinary studying.

HANASTREW'S FINEST MOMENTS IN INTERVIEWS

7/5/2015

The owners of the Fairy News Network like interviews with the fairy squad leader, Hanastrew. She's good looking, articulate and carries out daring rescues, all of which make for excellent fairyvision coverage.

Hanastrew also sees the point of the media in a way her mentor, Eileen, did not. (The latter just saw them as over-curious pests. Hanastrew accepts the media is meant to be like that but her role is to direct that inquisitiveness in such a way it benefits the squad).

Roherum, on the other hand, dreads interviews with Hanastrew. She is far too intelligent for him to be comfortable with, can and does see straight through him (which he loathes), and is quite capable of coming out with one liners that make him feel and look foolish. His great rival, the weatherman, always enjoys any interviews with Hanastrew on those grounds alone.

So some of Hanastrew's finest moments are:-

Telling Roherum he was an idiot for asking her whether she looked forward to her dragon fighting missions. Nobody looks forward to fighting a dragon and that should be obvious to anyone with more than one brain cell. The fact it was not obvious to Roherum tells Hanastrew just how many brain cells the journalist has! This clip is often replayed on the viewer's Favourite Fairyvision Moments Show. Roherum suspects most of the votes for this come in from the weatherman but has never been able to prove it.
Outlining in great detail why the Witch is evil. Hanastrew's manner was one of someone trying to patiently explain something to a toddler. Roherum did not like this for some reason!

EILEEN'S FINEST MOMENTS IN INTERVIEWS

5/5/2015

Telling Roherum where he can get off and what he can do when he gets there in precise anatomical detail when he dared ask her if her manner could be less haughty! (This fairyvision clip gets repeated a lot, mainly to embarrass Roherum. It goes down very well with his rival, the weatherman).
Explaining to Roherum just how difficult it can be to destroy dragons in words that the average five year old would find patronizing. Eileen did this to annoy Roherum in return for his annoying her. It is generally considered in the realm as a whole that Eileen is ahead on points here.
Eileen, prior to her defection, occasionally wrote pieces for magazines and papers, mainly on the importance of keeping up to date with spells and wand technology. She leaves it in no doubt what she thinks of those magical beings who don't do this. She particularly blames sprites for lazy thinking and magical practice. She is unlikely to be asked to write for Sprite Times given the language she used against them, though there were many in the realm who increased their vocabulary thanks to these pieces.
Eileen answering a question put to her 12 times by Roherum. She answered it 12 times! Roherum claimed he had an ear infection on the day in question so didn't hear Eileen properly. Nobody really believes him. He is widely known for being friendly and well meaning but not for being Mr Intellectual.
Eileen annoys FNN by happily talking to local broadcasting firms (whom FNN patronize dreadfully. FNN also make use of any good ideas these firms have, much to their annoyance).

QUESTIONS THE FAIRY QUEEN WILL NEVER ANSWER

4/5/2015

There are many questions Roherum would love to put to the Fairy Queen as these would give the Fairy News Network lots of exclusives, all of which would reflect well on him. However he is well aware she will never answer these and others he is reasonably certain she will refuse to reply to and might even curse him for daring to raise. These questions include:-

Do you regret working Eileen so hard it helped lead to her defection? (The possibility of being cursed is very high for this one).
Do you think the fairy squad should have been set up sooner on the grounds it could have prevented Eileen leaving? (The Queen is not going to like having her judgement questioned).
Do you ever answer L'Evallier's more awkward questions? There have been rumours of huge rows between the pair of you. (People in the Palace do hear the shouting!). Roherum would be cursed for this one and not just by the Queen.

APPRECIATION OF THE ARTS

3/5/2015

The Fairy Kingdom as a whole has a huge appreciation for the arts and not just its own. One of the things it does like about links with other worlds is having the opportunity to explore their arts in depth.

The kind of arts appreciated varies on the magical species in question. The sprites tend to like rock and pop, elves like L'Evallier appreciate classical music of all kinds. But nobody is surprised by this. L'Evallier welcomes the sprites appreciating anything (it means they're not fighting for one thing) even if what they prefer seems to him like an unholy din.

The Queen, unsurprisingly, loves portrait painting of all kinds but also likes Earth photography and has, in her time, imported excellent examples and had them framed. She has several wonderful scenic views in her office. They remind her there are good things to be said about Earth though she thinks it is notable there are no humans in any of her pictures here!

Eileen loves most art forms from rock to classical, classic portraiture to art deco, from photography to collages. She creates her own scrapbooks, which are filled with recipes, garden plants and their photos, and loves looking through these. They to her make her seem more human. It doesn't fool Jenny for a minute though she has benefited from some of the recipes her mother has collected, both in terms of Eileen cooking them for her (particularly when Eddie is so small) and in terms of cooking the items herself.

Television/fairyvision is generally not considered an art form in the Kingdom but can be a useful way of sharing the delights of the arts.

THE FAIRY KINGDOM'S FAVOURITE LITERATURE FROM EARTH

2/5/2015

The Faerie Queen by Edmund Spenser. Kind of obligatory really.
A Midsummer Night's Dream by William Shakespeare.
The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkein. The Queen especially has a great deal of sympathy for the smaller sized species in her own realm. She likes the idea of a smaller species being heroic in an epic fantasy elsewhere.
The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkein. As above but on a grander scale!
The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis. The Queen was particularly glad when the Witch was defeated and also glad to see humans doing something useful, especially in The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe.
Lords and Ladies by Terry Pratchett. The Queen was not sorry to see the nastier side of elves exposed. L'Evallier, given his role as Chief Elf and Ultra Snob, hates this book.
The Complete Works of Hans Christian Anderson. The Kingdom is glad the fairy tales have been recorded properly.
The Complete Works of the Brothers Grimm. Same comment as for 7.#
The Happy Prince by Oscar Wilde. The positive side of the Fairy Kingdom (otherwise known as the goodies) like a decent fairytale with a moral to it and this is a great example.
The Complete Works of P.G. Wodehouse. Eileen loves humorous fiction and feels in his way PGW created his own fantasy world.