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  • All About Eileen
    • Eileen's Definitions >
      • Eileen's Definitions - 2
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    • Fairy Kingdom Definitions - 2
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  • The Rules of Magic
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    • The Rules of Magic - 26
    • The Rules of Magic - 27
    • The Rules of Magic - 28
    • The Rules of Magic - 29
  • Fairy Kingdom Survival Tips
  • Further Fairy Kingdom Survival Tips
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  • Kingdom History
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  • The Kingdom's Guide to Approaching Other Species
    • The Kingdom's Guide to Approaching Other Species Part 2
  • What the Kingdom Would Like To See
    • What the Kingdom Would Like To See 2
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    • What the Kingdom Would Like To See 20
  • Appropriate Songs for My Characters
    • Appropriate Songs for My Characters - 2
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    • Appropriate Songs for My Characters - 19
    • Appropriate Songs for My Characters - 20
    • Appropriate Songs for My Characters - 21
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SONGS FOR THE FAIRY KINGDOM - 4

31/12/2013

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The Queen - Life on Mars by David Bowie.  Wonderful atmospheric song.  Appropriate for the Queen.  She would almost certainly prefer any life found here to that found on earth!

Eileen and Jenny - T
ears of a Clown by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles.  Eileen has had to hide a lot of what she is and Jenny is learning to, particularly from Paul. The Kingdom will make them cry these tears at some point.  Right now it’s only succeeding in making them angry but the Queen’s dogmatism will have consequences.

Eileen and Hanastrew -
I Get Around by the Beach Boys.  Apt for Eileen and Hanastrew. It's a pity they don't have a song called "I Get Around at Quite Incredible Speeds" as that would be even more appropriate.

Eileen, the Queen and the Witch - Hurt by Johnny Cash.  Eileen would claim this but the Queen has a better one, given the way she came to the fairy throne.  Eileen knows mother killed, is not clear over father whereas Queen does know both parents removed in dreadful fashion. The Witch also knows a certain amount of hurt as, unusually, she was close to her own mother, who was killed by the Queen's mother for rebellion.  The Fairy Kingdom is only too well aware how often history repeats itself and here from mother to daughter on both Witch and Queen sides the same mistakes are being made.

Eileen - Rebel, Rebel by David Bowie.  Sums Eileen up does it not?

Eileen -
Come on, Eileen by Dexy’s Midnight Runners.  The title’s apt for the Queen to Eileen.  The Queen wants Eileen to come to her senses.  The Queen’s in for a long wait.
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SONGS FOR THE FAIRY KINGDOM - 3

30/12/2013

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Eileen or Jenny - Sweet Child of Mine by Guns and Roses.

Eileen (and later Hanastrew) - Live and Let Die by Wings is another anthem for Eileen.  Naturally she does the former, her enemies the latter! And Hanastrew follows in her mentor's footsteps with much more enthuasiasm than the villainous would like.

Jenny - Respect by Aretha Franklin - Jenny would like some! Knows how likely it is she’ll get her wish here!

Brankaresh - Devil Woman by Sir Cliff sums up Brankaresh’s attitude towards Eileen and the Witch.

Vile Kingdom Creatures - Creature from the Black Lagoon by Dave Edmunds for the Kingdom’s nastier creatures.  I also think of this as a sci-fi song as it is sung from the creature’s point of view with no sympathy for its victims!

Brankaresh - Goodbye Mr Good Guy again by Mr Edmunds - Brankaresh’s theme song if ever there was one.

Eileen and Hanastrew I Love the Sound of Breaking Glass by Nick Lowe - Eileen’s choice again.  Could also suit Hanastrew.

Derek - I Wanna Hold  Your Hand by the Beatles - this is for Derek relating to Eileen, though he likes holding other bits of her too.

The Witch - The Winner Takes It All by Abba - the Witch would like to sing this to the Queen but to date it’s a case of the other way round.
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SONGS FOR THE FAIRY KINGDOM - 2

29/12/2013

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The Witch - I Want It All  by Queen.  Says it all really.

Whespy - What A Fool Believes by the Doobey Brothers - apt for his relationship with Isabel.

Stan -   The Joker  by the Steve Miller Band.

Isabel - I Want That Man by Debbie Harry (though it ought to be I want that sprite).  It’s a pity there isn’t a song called something like I’m Posh and know I am but I still Like a Bit of Rough. It doesn’t trip off the tongue but it sums her up well.

Hanastrew - Abracadbra by the Steve Miller Band.  She does do a lot of practical magic.  Sisters are Doing it for Themselves given she leads the fairy squad and admires the forthright attitude of Eileen.

Melanbury - Love Is All Around - the Wet Wet Wet version, particularly true for Melanbury after discovering the joys of elf sex with L’Evallier.  Also J’Te Aime, heavy breathing and all. 

L’Evallier - I’m A Believer  by the Monkees - true after discovering the joys of elf sex with Melanbury.

Roherum - Love Me For A Reason by the Osmonds. Roherum would like a love life instead of being “loved” in a general sense as the Kingdom’s national berk.

Derek Paige - Who’s That Girl  by the Eurythmics for when he first meets Eileen. 
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SONGS FOR THE FAIRY KINGDOM - 1

28/12/2013

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I‘ve been thinking of songs that “belong” to my characters. it is a good way of making them seem real. 

Eileen - It’s My Life by Billy Joel.  This is her anthem, mainly for its chorus.  ‘I didn’t ask you to give me a a second chance.’  I can picture Eileen singing this loudly in the Queen’s face.

Jenny - It’s My Life by Bon Jovi.  Similar defiant stance to her mother towards the Queen but her song has a harder edge.  She would want something different from Billy Joel (even if she secretly liked him). Could It Be Magic by Take That would also be a good choice.

Fairy Queen, Roxannadrell - Every Little Thing She Does is Magic by the Police, I will Survive by Gloria Gaynor, Queen of Hearts by the wonderful Dave Edmunds and Nick Lowe’s Cruel to be Kind.  My Prerogative by Bobby Brown would also suit her.

Brankaresh - Behind the Mask by Eric Clapton.  The title just sums the treacherous wizard up.

Brenebourne’s wildlife - a difficult choice?  No!  I can think of two!  Is there a Monster coming over the hill?  by Automatic and the Kaiser Chief’s I Predict a Riot are ideas for them.
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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 30

24/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Christmas Eve
Eileen loves Christmas - everything from the Nativity story to that wonderful knowledge you have done all the present shopping and what you've bought for others should go down well.   She goes to a crib service at the church which used to  be the hall used for Jenny's playgroup and then enjoys ringing Jenny up and seeing how her preparations are going.  At this stage Jenny is up to her neck in it (as Eileen well knows) and is aware her mother is having her annual "wind Jenny up a bit" time.  Eileen sees it as an enjoyable part of Christmas Eve, Jenny sees it as some kind of penance.

Boy Bands
Eileen has absolutely no time for any of these and the only thing stopping her inflicting some kind of permanent silence spell on the lot of them is Jenny pointing out that it would alert people to the presence of magic on earth.  It would be the only thing to explain the sudden absence of dreadful, tacky boy bands.  If it had not been for that, Eileen would've happily whipped her wand out here (and Jenny would've joined in.  She can see the point of magic if it gets rid of life's irritations).

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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 29

24/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Life on Mars
Eileen now knows this is a wonderful song by Bowie and not a documentary about a well-known brand of chocolate. (Oh and she's been told about Galaxy as well).

As You Like It
This is how Eileen prefers to arrange her life - as she likes it.  She hasn't got a lot of time for the mistaken identity ploy Shakespeare uses so often.  In her world, one twist of her wand will reveal anyone's true identity regardless of what form they're in when they appear before her.

Sense and Sensibility
Eileen considers she has the most sense any sentinent being could wish for and woe betide anyone disagreeing.

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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 28

22/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Doctor Who
Eileen had no problem adjusting to the idea of a time travelling alien.  Her attitude is why not?  In the Kingdom, there were all kinds of beings with all manner of looks, behaviours and magical abilities so the idea of a humanoid travelling in a blue box in time and space seems eminently rational to her.  Indeed it took a while for Jenny to convince her mother that it was a TV programme and not a documentary on an alien life form humans had discovered.

I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue
Eileen took to this wonderful radio show at once.  She loves word play (and is partial to innuendo) so this show suits her.  She also likes the idea of older humans being funny.  (She can rant for hours on the subject of ageism).

Scooby Doo
Eileen couldn't understand why Jennifer loved this programme.  Eileen pointed out that if Scooby really did have all those snacks, he'd have a weight problem and diabetes.  The only point where Eileen and Jenny agreed was they couldn't see a point to Scrappy Doo and that the original format was best.  Favourite human character was Velma. 
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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 27

21/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Wind in the Willows
Eileen knows this now to be a truly charming book but misheard the title to begin with, believing it to be Wind in the Pillows, an unpleasant bedtime affliction, guaranteed to do nothing to help a happy marriage.

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
Eileen knew this to be a classic book to begin with but sees the title as the three things you'd never want to lug around with you (and she'd fight two of them in any case).

Winnie the Pooh
After discovering this was not an insult thrown at Britain's greatest war time leader, Eileen enjoyed the book.  Her heroine in it is Eeyore.  She fully understands the down in the mouth scenario.
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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 26

21/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

The Lord of the Rings
Eileen wondered if this applied to Brankaresh given he liked wearing lots of magical jewellery (Eileen's always distrusted the stuff.  She feels magic is something you have or not and wearing a special necklace or whatever is just showing off.  Not only that if someone is capable of creating a malicious Ring of Power, all she knows is it's time for her to get her best wand out and head to where they are for a spot of magical troublemaker elimination).

The Lady and the Tramp
This was a nickname applied in the Fairy Kingdom to Eileen (always well dressed, even when out on a mission) and Fresdian (later Rose) who would often return from her nature walks looking as if she'd gone ten rounds with Mother Nature and lost badly. 

The Wizard of Oz
Eileen did NOT think this applied to the Australian version of Brankaresh but likes the story (and feels the wizard in the story is useless, a fault she would happily correct with the aim of her best wand and the right tone in voice to make the guy "buck his ideas up quickly or face the consequences").
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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 25

20/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Great Expectations
Eileen now knows this is a novel by Dickens but for a while considered this was the attitude Roxannadrell took in expecting Eileen to ever return to the Fairy Kingdom.  (Eileen considered it as Great But Wrong, Oh So Wrong Expectations). 

Harry Potter
Eileen found the books and films very entertaining and had a certain amount of quiet fun in inventing the spells she would have used against Voldemort.  She considers Harry, Hermione and Ron brave (she cheered when Mrs Weasley killed Bellatrix) but could've done without the teenage angst the books, particularly, show.  Jenny is more sympathetic here.  She has told her mother repeatedly there is no teenager anywhere that doesn't have some angst somewhere so it would've been odd for the books and films not to portray that.

Pride and Prejudice
Eileen's favourite novel and what everyone from the Queen to Jenny (generally on Eileen's side) to the Witch and Brankaresh (generally definitely not) think Eileen is full of!


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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 24

18/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Repeats
This is the real name for those programmes listed as "your chance to hear again", which Eileen also interprets as meaning "we've got a hole to fill in the schedule and this will do".  Eileen's also a bit miffed with repeats as the things that do get a second or third airing (or more) are seldom the things she wanted to see at all.

Chocolate
The single best food invention.  Eileen is fond of white, dark and milk and cooks with all three too.  She always buys chocolate as presents (for herself and Jenny mainly). Eileen sees chocolate as the most enjoyable "drug" any human can enjoy.  She admits she's addicted to the stuff.

Alcohol
Eileen likes the odd glass of wine and/or Baileys but is not a heavy drinker.  She's never seen the point of drinking to excess.  Derek likes his pint, Paul is teetotal and Jenny, thanks to having to boost her iron count when breastfeeding Eddie, is partial to Guinness (half pints naturally, given her height!).
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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON ON EARTH - 23

17/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Gardening
One of the finest lifestyle choices/hobbies/passion (delete as appropriate) and the only area in life where Derek easily outdoes Eileen in terms of how long he works at a time and how much he gets done.  Derek loves all plants, flowers particularly.  For Eileen, trees are the most marvellous thing.   Eileen loves the gardening programmes too (Derek does too but nothing but nothing beats actual gardening for him).  Eileen believes those who garden are generally more sympathetic to the idea of looking after the planet than those who don't.

Cooking
Eileen, in the Kingdom, never cooked.  Under her former name, Deamadrell, she enjoyed the finest meals (and without having to prepare them or clear up).  On Earth she cooks, using a gas fired Rayburn, and her roast dinners are something special.  Jenny also cooks well (cakes are her speciality).  Eileen believes that if you cook your food, you appreciate it more and that cooking should be treated as a fine art.


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eileen's guide to life on earth - 22

16/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Electioneering Materials
Or, as Eileen considers it, a complete waste of time and money given every piece of election literature she ever gets goes straight in the recycle bin.  And she knows for a fact she isn't the only one to do that.  This was one Earth custom she picked up nigh on immediately after her defection.

The BBC
Eileen considers this one of Britain's greatest achievements and is especially fond of Radio 4, Radio 4 Extra and all wildlife and history programmes.  She tunes into Today and listening to the confrontational interviews with the politicians on there wonders if Roherum will ever get to that standard of journalism and then realises of course he won't.

ITV
Eileen likes these for light entertainment programmes and sees, where the Beeb is more serious, there should be something to counter-balance it.  Eileen has no time for soaps and regrets that the two main channels don't share her view on this.  She feels the budget for drama productions suffer because of the prejudice to soaps.

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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 21

15/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Sports
The appeal of sport bypasses Eileen as the thought of getting sweaty, dirty and exhausted for fun (unless is with Derek) is not for her but she can see the usefulness of sport.  It can unite people and it encourages human endeavour.  Jenny is fond of tennis and swimming and swims regularly herself.  Eileen could swim but doesn't.  Like most fairies she takes the attitude why swim when you can fly though Jenny has pointed out that attitude is not going to bring home the gold medal for the 1500 metres.  And flying in front of humans is likely to cause consternation rather than applause for an achievement.

Fireworks
Eileen opposes these on the grounds of cruelty to animals (as a fairy she too has ultra sensitive hearing and fireworks are much noisier than they used to be) but does recognize that organized displays can be very useful. She only wishes they were over a couple of nights only so distress to pets is limited.  She has been tempted to "magic" this into being but the thought of being caught out by someone and made to explain herself stops her.  Eileen won't explain herself for anyone.

Map Reading
Eileen is no good at this.  Jenny is.  Eileen thinks it's because she is so used to getting magic to take her to wherever she needs to be and besides there's no way she's taking instructions from an adenoidal female disembodied voice.  Jenny thinks it's because she's taken the time to learn how to read a book of maps properly and sees Sat Nav as a useful guide but not something to totally rely on given it will send you up any dirt track if it considers it a road. 
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eileen's guide to life on earth - 20

15/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

BBC Radio Comedy
Eileen adores this.  She loves Just a Minute for its word play and Clue for its jokes now she's got the hang of innuendo and how it works. 
There is nothing like the BBC's output anywhere in the Kingdom (though Eileen concedes Roherum, for FNN, probably is doing his bit for comedy).  Eileen spends most evenings listening to the radio (especially if Derek's engrossed with his gardening TV shows).

TV Licence
Eileen doesn't object to this (she and Derek still have to pay for theirs) and indeed considers it good value but feels the licensing system should work both ways round.  That is, the programmers should be licensed to produce shows and they have to meet certain criteria.  Eileen sees this as a way of ensuring trash doesn't make it on air.  She can't understand how The Jeremy Kyle Show was ever commissioned.

The Proms and especially the Last Night
Eileen adores this (so does the Fairy Queen who tunes in quietly from her realm).  Eileen loves the music, copies the lady musicians' dresses (well those she likes the look of anyway) and the whole fun atmosphere of the Last Night.  Eileen can, and does, wave a flag and blow whistles with the best of them.  Derek sees this as his wife letting her hair down.  He doesn't realise that after having to kill dragons and foul fiends this kind of activity is very mild fare.


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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 19

13/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Sayings
Eileen has problems with sayings.  She likes words to do their job properly and for their meaning to be obvious.  It took her a long time to get used to innuendo, single, double or otherwise and even now "peculiar" sayings such as if the cap fits, wear it, causes her some grief.  She assumes someone really is talking about getting the correct sized hat.

Weather Forecasts
Eileen has always considered these to be the Met Office's "best guess" though compared with what the Fairy Kingdom's weatherman came up with, the Earth based ones are full of information and Eileen knows by far which one is the most accurate.  In fairness to the Kingdom's weatherman, he has to report on several different layers of the Kingdom's atmosphere, all 7 regions and so the forecast goes on for at least 20 minutes.  Eileen prefers the briefer Earth based ones.

Insurance
Eileen considers this to be a cleverly worded con.  She's right.
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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 18

13/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek


Accents
One thing Eileen did not get right in the immediate aftermath of her defection was her chosen accent.  Kirkham is set in Hampshire and the residents have a distinctive lilt to their voices.  Eileen has not.  What Eileen managed to do was copy human like speech but without any of its "oddities".  So she has no accent and it has taken her decades to master local turns of phrase and so on.  Eileen admires other accents though and likes a soft Scottish one best.

Portrayal of Fantasy Characters
Eileen watches the occasional fantasy film with Derek and has to stop herself coming out with acerbic comments as to how different magical folk are portrayed.  She watches more science fiction (notably Star Trek) and finds this easier to cope with given there was nothing like this in the Fairy Kingdom's fairyvision system and she can come to the programmes with no prejudices.

Taxation
Not popular in the Kingdom.  Not popular on Earth.  Eileen hated it equally in both places (she'd hate it less if she was sure it wasn't wasted).  Has every sympathy with hard working people moaning at the government over this.
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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 17

11/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Cinemas
Eileen enjoys the pictures but prefers the smaller, two-screened independent based cinemas, feeling anything else is too large.  She liked The Lord of the Rings and admired its sheer scope, its classic tale of good versuse evil though she is highly suspicious of the elf l
anguage within it.  She has never heard an elf speak like that.  She strongly suspects that won't change, the elves being as keen on promotional and associated activities as she is - i.e. not at all.  Eileen and Derek used to visit the cinemas a lot but now go two or three times a year depending on what films come out.

Family Relationships
Expect things to be awkward (but particularly if you have an awkward background to reveal to a daughter who is very happily settled into her married life and really doesn't need anything rocking the boat).  There are times Eileen just wishes she could whip her wand out and "arrange" things so there were fewer arguments but what stops her is knowing Roxannadrell definitely would fix matters so that makes it an automatic no-go for Eileen.  Overall Jenny wins here.






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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 16

10/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Amateur Acting
Eileen does not see the point of this at all but consoles herself with the thought most humans share that same attitude so she doesn't stick out as being different here.

Writing
Eileen fully approves of those who write stories or who compile collections as for her the proper place for tales is within two book covers and someone has to make that happen.  She does regularly curse those who are closing the libraries but regrettfully has had to tone down what she wishes on these people on the grounds that if she carried out what she really would like to do to them, it would make the headlines and she really doesn't want to draw attention to herself.  She does enjoy dreaming about what she would do if she could really let rip here though.  It involves several volumes of the Encyclopaedia Britannica and a pained expression on the faces of the would-be "library assassins".


Spam
Eileen loathes both the meat and spam on computers.  She'd happily permanently destroy both.

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eileen's guide to life on earth - 15

9/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Radio
Eileen adores radio and cannot imagine ever returning to a place where they don't receive Radio 4.  She loves most of the comedies and sees radio as an important ally in her fight to suppress her magical side and become more human. Best of all it doesn't have Roherum on it.

Art Galleries
Eileen likes these though she finds her feet tend to feel tired after about half an hour walking around in a gallery.  She can't get on with opera (what's the point of singing in a language you don't understand?  Nor does she approve of Carmen, what Eileen feels about the standard of behaviour of Carmen is not repeatable here).  For Eileen, culture is art, not bizzare sounding music.  Eileen also likes the cafes attached to these places.  Eileen can never resist investigating the good qualities (or otherwise) of any cafe she comes across.

Television
Eileen does watch this with Derek.  She loves the history documentaries, wildlife programmes and some comedies.  Whilst Roherum is also happily absent from TV on Earth, Eileen is no fan of the aggressive questioner (Paxman. Humphries etc) and she cannot believe the likes of I'm A  Celebrity was ever allowed anywhere near the small screen yet alone go on it.  Eileen is comforted by the thought many humans feel the same way.

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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 14

8/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Public Transport
Is just one of those things Eileen believes confirms the existence of hell (another is the queue at the supermarket till).  Eileen has never used public transport nor has any intention of doing so.  She really does think it is for the peasants.  Jenny does use a bus to get to her mother's place.  Eileen "overlooks" this.  Jenny is not at all impressed with her mother's attitude.  Mind Jenny is not the first to take that line.  Nor will she be the last.  (From the bus company's viewpoint, they probably are better off without Eileen given she's never been backward about coming forward with any complaints and loudmouths are best kept off the bus.

Junk Mail
Eileen does recycle hers - those issuing the junk mail should be grateful.  She'd happily recycle them for daring to send rubbish to her directly. Certainly nothing like this would happen back in the Fairy Kingdom.  Nobody would dare risk upsetting Eileen, well not if they're sane anyway.  Eileen's only dilemma is she'd like to send to the charity
shops those paperbacks she thinks should never have the act of day.  She would happily be everyone's critic and can't understand why there isn't a rush to take her up on that offer!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       


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eileen's guide to life on earth - 13

7/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Rock Around the Clock
For a long time Eileen thought this was an advertising jingle by the makers of seaside confectionery and a dentist's nightmare. 

Rock and Roll
For a long time Eileen thought this was a fetishist's food combination of seaside rock inside a bread roll.  On both of these cases it was only when she heard the songs Eileen realised she still had a lot to learn about human culture.

Dancing in the Streets
Eileen did know this was a song, it's one of Jenny's favourites, though the ex-godmother felt it was a shame that the advice in the title wasn't actually carried out.

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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 12

6/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Sport
Is something Eileen vaguely approves of, given it brings people together, stops them fighting (though this obviously doesn't apply to boxing!) and keeps youngsters out of trouble but it's not for her.  When in the Kingdom she got all the workouts she ever needed just doing her job.  Eileen accepts sport is something where people are allowed to go a little bit mad when it comes to supporting their heroes...

Election Leaflets
Otherwise known as ARS by Eileen (Automatic Recycling Stuff though she thinks the acronym highly appropriate too).

Christmas
Eileen disapproves of decorations going up earlier than the first week in December.   She thinks restaurants and so on should only start advertising for Christmas meals from November onwards.  She hates the trend towards getting Christmas items out on the shelves before Harvest Festival and just doesn't see the point. 

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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 11

5/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

Detective Fiction
Eileen loves Agatha Christie/Dorothy L Sayers.  She prefers the books but enjoys the TV and radio adaptions too.  One of the things she has loved most about life on earth has been mankind's addiction to stories.  Eileen can understand that all too well.  She prefers not to think of her life as one story (especially given the Queen thinks the happy ever after bit will be when Eileen decides to go home).


Gossip
Eileen prefers to think of gossip as something she enjoys and helps spread (!) rather than be the subject of, though of course she often has been the topic under discussion.  It doesn't help Eileen to know she's unique in being the subject of gossip in more than one world.  Jenny is not impressed with that either.
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EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 10

4/12/2013

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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth.  She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek

DIY
For Eileen this is misnamed, at least for her.  What she can't fix with a spell or a wave of her wand remains  unfixed or for Derek to sort out.  She has helped Derek decorate their home (painting only) but Derek quickly realised Eileen's heart simply wasn't in it and it would be quicker and easier if he did this kind of work himself.  She does enjoy cookery though and her magnificent meals do act as a kind of compensation to Derek that when it comes to DIY he is very much on his own.

Deodorants/Perfumes
Eileen loves these.  The more upmarket fairy at home will use things like extract of rose petals to make themselves smell nice but the majority don't bother and Eileen has not missed the appalling BO generated by most beings, especially during the height of the hot summers.  The Fairy Queen does bathe regularly, whether she needs it or not, and uses deodarants and perfumes widely.  Eileen and the Queen hope standards in this area will gradually improve.



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    Author

    I'm Allison Symes and I write novels, short stories as well as some scripts and poems.  I love setting my work in my magical world, the Fairy Kingdom, and my favourite character is Eileen, who believes hypocrisy is something that happens to other people without caring that statement is hypocritical in itself!  Eileen is huge fun to write for and about. 

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