Blog Archives - Fairytales with Bite

Fairytales with Bite

FAIRY TALE CHARACTERS LIKES AND DISLIKES

31/1/2015

The Snow Queen (do read the original fairy tale. Disney's Frozen, although based on this tale, is very different). I appreciate there are good reasons Disney has to adapt (a lot of the original fairytales as they stand would not be suitable for their younger audience) but enjoy the original tales as well.

Likes the thought of a new Ice Age, all cold weather (and the chaos it often brings).
Dislikes sunshine, heat, anything that helps beat the cold (from hot chocolate to rock salt keeping the paths clear).

Wicked witches (from The Wizard of Oz to Snow White)
Likes cruelty (but not to themselves, they don't have a problem with hypocrisy), a decent meat meal (Hansel and Gretel), cats (who are cruel themselves and yes I put my hands up and admit it I don't like the creatures much, dogs are much more loyal) and high speed broomsticks. You never know when you'll need to make a quick getaway.
Dislikes interfering busybodies who get in the way of their schemes, bright kids who shove them in an oven (don't you just hate it when that happens?), dogs (and their owners), and kids called Dorothy who can make farmhouses fall on them.

FAIRY TALE CHARACTERS SPEAK OUT...

29/1/2015

Witch from Hansel and Gretel
Thanks for asking as I am misunderstood but I love children. (Roasted on Regulo 7 is best).

Big Bad Wolf
Always tuck in the ears when dressing up as Granny if you don't want to give yourself away. Run like hell at the first sight of anyone carrying an axe. Don't hang around, it never ends well.

Snow White's Stepmother
Don't bother trying to kill the goody two shoes. Marry her off to some prince from a kingdom that's far, far away and get rid of her that way. (And you're better off relying on a decent moisturiser and skin care regime than any talking mirror).

Cinderella
I'm not complaining, you must understand that, but glass slippers? Really? I was lucky not to cut my feet to shreds. I have had words with my fairy godmother about that. She claims it was meant to be a fur slipper but somehow her words got mis-translated. Hmm... sounds like an excuse to me.

MORE FAIRY CHARACTERS SPEAK OUT...

27/1/2015

The Ugly Duckling
Beauty is only skin deep. (And you can stop waving that orange about in my direction. I've heard what humans do to ducks with fruit. You have to believe me. I am not a duck. Honest I'm not).

Snow White
I'll never trust old women selling apples again.

Little Red Riding Hood
For my part, I won't trust talking wolves again. Come to think of it, I'm not sure why I did in the first place.

The Princess (from The Golden Ball story)
Given what happened when I lost my Golden Ball down the well, I can no longer look at amphibians in the same light. What I've learned is nothing is as it seems in the magical world. Just because something looks ugly it doesn't mean it is. I guess the same applies to beauty. Hmm... that doesn't leave many I can trust in then.

MORE HEADLINES FROM THE FAIRY KINGDOM MEDIA...

27/1/2015

Musicians' Weekly - Cat Has No Qualms using Cat Gut
Tom Cat says job musically accompanying the cow as it jumps over the moon is his biggest break to yet and wishes the critics would shut up. Besides it is not his cat gut being used on the fiddle so can't understand why people are complaining. As for the point his music is not very good, Tom Cat insists everyone has to start somewhere and it's not as if the cow, the dish and the spoon can play the fiddle.

The Great Fairy Kingdom Bake Off Magazine - Royal Jam Tarts Stolen
The Queen of Hearts insists only a knave would have taken her prized jam tarts. Will offer a reward for their undamaged return. Promises the realm the knave will face justice on the grounds if he steals jam tarts today, goodness knows what he'll steal tomorrow and it's a poor look out if one's baking isn't safe from theft.

Transformation Today - The Fairy Godmother's Story
We have an exclusive interview with Cinderella's fairy godmother who tells us in explicit detail just exactly what the well trained magical being can do with an outsized pumpkin. (Not for the squeamish).

FAIRY KINGDOM press headlines

23/1/2015

The Royal Sun - Cor What a Scorcher
Reaction of girl chained to rock rescued by St. George in the nick of time.

Good Magical Food Magazine - Flambe Special
The dragon, so recently killed by St. George, leaves his collection of recipes for posterity. When we say collection, we are ... well he left two okay. Hot and Extra Hot Virgin. We don't think he was referring to olive oil either.

Fairy Kingdom Guardian - Little Red Riding Hood Saved from Flow
Possibly one of their better misprints...

Farming Times - Tom Tom, the Piper's Son Arrested for Theft of Pig
Fairy squad ignore Tom Tom's claim he was only following his traditional script. They claim he was going to hand the pig over to the Big Bad Wolf to ensure he wasn't eaten. Pig squealed.

Traffic Today - Wooden Bridge Stand-off as Awkward Goats argue with hardworking Troll
Troll says goats trying to get away without paying. Goats say troll just wants to eat them. Troll counter claims it's a hard day for monsters such as himself if they can't eat an innocent victim every so often. Claims it is discrimination and says St. George's actions against the dragon leave him cold. Goats unimpressed. No news of when bridge likely to be clear again.

Hope you enjoy! (With nods to two of my favourite shows, I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue and their newspaper round and News at Bedtime, again from Radio 4, which shows life in the magical/nursery rhyme world exactly as it is!).

GENERAL ADVICE i'VE FOUND USEFUL

20/1/2015

You can’t write unless you read in and out of your genre, fiction and non-fiction, modern and classic. You’ve got to know what you like and/or dislike to help you decide what you want to produce. Also it is a question of supporting the industry you want to join as an author!

Always go into things with your eyes wide open and accept that every industry has its charlatans. Why should publishing be exempt? After all writers are dealing with “dreams” – and what do con artists exploit? Check things out, the Society of Authors is very helpful, and if in doubt use Google. If there’s something dodgy about a company, someone somewhere will have Googled about it. If it seems too good to be true, it is.

Always spell check your work with a decent dictionary and don’t rely on the computer. I find the grammar check more useful but still like to check grammar for myself. All faults are my own etc etc! Be professional in your approach to agents and publishers. Your cover letter/synopsis must be word and grammar perfect.

Make your work as good as it can be before submitting it anywhere. But equally don’t use that as an excuse never to send work out. Ultimately submitting work is the way to get the feedback you need. If it’s really good someone somewhere will want that piece. You’re looking to make sure that nobody can read your work and automatically dismiss it. You want them to read it, love it, remember it and publish it!

MOODS AND EXPRESSIONS

18/1/2015

Use your mood to help your writing. If you’re in a sad mood and you’ve got a sad scene to do when better to write it? You don’t have to write in strict chronological order. Conversely, use writing to help improve your mood. Being creative in itself is a positive thing. If what you produce is good, even better. (And if not, it’s on its way to being better because a good edit works wonders!).

Show your characters’ moods well and how they change. After all we’re not in one state of mind all the time so neither should they be. Moods affect actions affect consequences and plot! Show your characters learning from their experiences - what not to do again for example - and where appropriate where a character refuses to learn. Look at why they have that refusal - is it just stubbornness or are they afraid of change? Have they good reasons to be afraid?

Show your characters’ expressions. I tend to get Eileen to grimace a lot (!) (though to be fair she does have cause) and am aware I need to vary her expressions. Also show your characters trying to hide what they really feel - after all we do it so why shouldn’t your creations? What happens when a character fails to hide how they feel or shows their emotions to the wrong person? What catastrophes could be unleashed?

TIPS I'VE FOUND HELPFUL

18/1/2015

WRITING RITUALS

17/1/2015

Where is your favourite place to write? Do you have any writing rituals?
In the office with a nice corner desk and enough room under it for my dog to curl up under when she’s in the mood! If I turn my head, I can look through my French windows out into the garden (the great thing being when I really need to focus I don’t do this and just have a wall in front of me instead!). I’ve a writing book and stationery cupboard (though my desk is still full with what I’m working on, writing books and magazines I’m currently wading through and lots of mints, pens and pencils).

I like to work through my projects in the same order each night and like doing one or two puzzles before I start. I see this as waking my brain up though I do limit how much time I spend on the puzzles. I tend to write fairly late in the evening though I am trying to bring this forward (I like looking at my writing magazines and books first too though I read in short sharp slots) and I don’t feel as if I’ve had a good writing session unless I have done all of these things.

INTERVIEWS WITH MY CHARACTERS... L'EVALLIER 8

11/1/2015

Your reputation for being snobbish is renowned. Do you think it would be more useful to develop the common touch given the Queen and Eileen outrank you and they manage to reach out to people?
No. The Queen and Eileen, when she was in her proper place in the Kingdom, are royal and are meant to reach out to the common people. It is a major part of what royalty does. My role is to lead the Council, now Rodish is no longer with us, and to ensure the Queen is accountable for all she says and does. It is also my duty to warn Her Majesty of problems within the Kingdom that might cause trouble for the Council and to let her know if she herself is going "off track". It is not my job to hob nob with the lower ranks. People expect me to be a snob given my rank and species so my attitude here is hardly a surprise.

How do you reconcile your duties at the Palace with your responsibilities to your estate and those who live on it?
As with all members of the Council, I employ a team of specialists who run my estate for me and report back regularly. I go back to the estates every couple of weekends or so and, of course, it is easy enough to keep in touch with what is going on via crystal ball, especially now connection speeds have been drastically improved. Before you ask, yes I do give generous employment terms to my workers. I also do not charge my tenants unfairly when it comes to rent. The estates are run efficiently and I am always glad to employ local people to my family home.

INTERVIEWS WITH MY CHARACTERS... L'EVALLIER 7

11/1/2015

If there was anything about you that you would change what would it be and why?
I consider that a most impertinent question, Roherum. It suggests I am less than perfect! Admittedly I am less than perfect but frankly so are you.

You haven't answered the question though.
Oh very well. I admit some people will think and do think I have far too much pride and not enough humility. I do not have the common touch, unlike the Queen and Eileen. I have seen that common touch be useful for them both so it would be useful if I could learn to develop it.

What is your biggest regret?
That I could not save Rodish from that treacherous, murdering sod, Brankaresh. When Rodish came to see me regarding the Witch, I sent him to Brankaresh to get help there. I unwittingly sent one of the most honourable dwarfs I have ever known to what would prove to be a horrible death. I really wish I could turn back time and prevent that. Also while Eileen did well in getting rid of Brankaresh, I would have had some satisfaction in killing him myself. Does that shock you? You did not see close up how Rodish looked. He did not have a peaceful death.

INTERVIEWS WITH MY CHARACTERS... L'EVALLIER 8

11/1/2015

What would you say was your finest achievement?
I am proud of the way Balkish, brother to the late much missed Rodish, and I secretly helped our people during the thankfully brief period of the overthrow of the Queen. We provided food from our estates, kept certain people out of sight of the triumphant Witch and her lackeys and stayed well away from them ourselves. That was not as easy as it sounds - it seemed the Witch had spies everywhere and, naturally, she would have the best crystal ball techonology - but we managed it. I was also proud of how once the Witch was gone, I, and those of the Council who survived, helped to restore the Queen quickly and get the business of government going again.

Have you ever misused magic?
No but, like any other magical being, I have had to fight the temptation to do so. The trouble with misusing anything is that nature/natural justice/call it what you will has a nasty habit of turning the tables so I judged it prudent years ago to specifically not misuse magic. It was very hard to fight the temptation to change my mind over this when the Witch was ruling the Kingdom. The arugment of course was it would have been in a good cause, and it would have been quite genuinely so, but magic attracts magic. There would have been some sort of battle with the Witch and, talented though I am magically, I had no idea how good Madam was and assumed she would beat me. Besides the people I was helping needed me to stay alive so I could continue to help and protect them.

INTERVIEWS WITH MY CHARACTERS... L'EVALLIER 5

8/1/2015

What is your attitude towards Eileen's child, Jennifer? Most magical beings of all species prefer pure blood members of their own kind or, at a push, a cross breed between two magical species. Jennifer does not fall into that category and everyone in the Kingdom deplores humanity for its polluting and war like qualities.
The simple truth is Jennifer should not exist. Her mother should not have defected. Eileen betrayed her own kind (and the magical world as a whole). However, Eileen did defect. Had she been better treated by the Queen and the Council maybe that defection would have been avoided. We cannot absolve ourselves from blame there. Jennifer does exist. The Kingdom must come to terms with her and I feel it is in our long term interest, and hers, that we befriend Jennifer, show her we are not a threat and indeed will come to her aid should she require it. It also means we can guide her developing magical powers so they do not cause trouble for us or for her. While I do understand Eileen wished to protect Jennifer by not telling her about her true background, this I feel will be and is a huge mistake. Jennifer must accept what she is and come to terms with it - for her sake and ours.

Jennifer is unlikely to be that friendly towards the Kingdom. Indeed she has shown every sign of being hostile. Would it not be better if we as a realm cut her off as it were and give her what she wants - the chance to live life in peace? She won't disturb us, we return the compliment.
It also means we do not face up to the fact we can be specieist/racist and need to stop being so. It is hardly honourable behaviour on our part. Also you know as well as I do there are other species attracted to magic. They could turn on Jennifer. I hardly think it honourable to leave the poor soul to her fate (which would not be a pleasant one). Jennifer cannot help her mother and her behaviour. The girl should not suffer for it.

INTERVIEWS WITH MY CHARACTERS... L'EVALLIER 6

6/1/2015

Do you ever think you might be too harsh in your criticisms of the Queen? She did inherit her throne under dreadful circumstances.
In a word, no. The way her accession occurred is a terrible shame but Roxannadrell needs to live up to her late mother's wonderful record and turn away from her recent behaviour in trying to force Eileen and Jennifer into the Fairy Kingdom permanently. This is not honourable. The Queen needs to let Eileen and Jennifer lead their own lives but persuade them to come to our aid when we need them. They are far more likely to do that if the Queen stops trying to bully them. It is bullying.

What would you say was your finest moment?
I think managing to get my darling Melanbury out of the Palace and back with her parents during the overthrow is one of the finest achievements. The chief thing was to stay out of sight of the Witch and her operatives. Before you ask, my biggest regret was not having enough time to get everyone else out of the Palace when it came under attack and I refer to those who find it difficult to get around by themselves. It was crucial to smuggle folk out in small batches. We managed to get most out but the ones that were killed by the Witch because we ran out of time, well we do regret that very much. And when I say we I refer to Rodish, who was assisting me directly, and the Lord Chamberlain who was also salvaging important documents and magical items to ensure they did not fall into the Queen's hands.

He overlooked the Queen's oracle though... It was fortunate Wes found and hid that.
Yes. Remember all of us involved in clearing the Palace out had no idea how much time we had. The Witch was very near by and one sight of us by her would have led to our deaths. As for Whespy, please use his full name Roherum, the abbreviation is so common, I would say the events of that night were the beginnings of making a decent character out of him. The entire Kingdom is greatful for that given his past record for fighting and causing trouble.

INTERVIEWS WITH MY CHARACTERS... L'EVALLIER 3

6/1/2015

What did you make of Eileen's defection and subsequent birth of Jenny?
I did not approve of either. I still do not approve though I am pleased to say the hybrid girl can make her mother stop in her tracks. Not many can claim that. I do not approve of the Queen trying to force mother and daughter back to our realm. She would be far better off just recruiting them and get them to help the magical realm as and when required. Eileen did act out of selfish motives - she wanted to be out of the Kingdom. The fact she fell for that human man she married was a by-product.

What is the single thing you regret most?
Not supporting Eileen earlier when she forewarned us all about the Witch. The late Rodish and I did agree with Eileen but we could have done more to support her and it might have made the Council take a tougher line earlier than it did.

Did you use your influence with Eileen to try to get her to come back?
Yes - and I failed miserably. In my defence I think anyone would have failed miserably.

INTERVIEWS WITH MY CHARACTERS... L'EVALLIER 4

6/1/2015

You are one of the most noble people in the Fairy Kingdom. Has your very grand aristocratic background ever hindered you?
No. As far as I am concerned I am the elf I appear to be. I try to be decent, honest and honourable and I really feel background should not count against someone, regardless of what that background is. I also have certain obligations to fulfil because of my background so it is not all silver spoons in mouths and so on.

You clashed with Eileen a lot in the early days of your service on the Council. Given subsequent events where she was proved to be right over Brankaresh, do you regret those clashes? It's not as if you couldn't predict what would happen. Everyone has decent access to crystal ball technology.
But not everybody likes using it. One area where I have always agreed with Eileen is the dangers of looking into the future. For one thing you are so busy trying to figure that out, you forget to concentrate on the present. I also feel, as Eileen does, there is a certain feel of cheating to looking the future up, as if it was something in a reference book. As for the clashes, at the time I honestly felt Eileen to be wrong and said so. She has not had a problem with those clashes. Indeed she has told me she has appreciated my bluntness. It is just a pity her cousin, our Queen, has not. Someone should hold the high and mighty to account. Someone from a noble background they cannot ignore. That was and remains my first priority.

interviews with my characters... l'evallier 2

5/1/2015

What part of your role as Council Leader do you enjoy most?
Bear in mind I should not be Council Leader at all given I inherited the post because Rodish was murdered. Having said that the position of Council Leader carries a great deal of influence in and out of the Palace and I relish trying to use that influence to help people. I am particularly proud of the way my wish to improve our educational facilities has finally got through and that each school, college and university of magic receives a specified amount of money to use on books and to improve library facilities year on year. I believe Earth should have a similar policy. Libraries are magical places whatever the dimension one happens to find oneself living in.

What part of your role do you dislike most?
The interminable meetings! I am all for meetings to work out what must be done but then one must get on and do the work rather than have another meeting to discuss progress. There has to be progress to make that second meeting worthwhile and so often this is not the case. This is one area of Council business I would like to reform - to only have meetings that are necessary and to define that by setting out what each meeting is meant to achieve.

How much magic do you use in your role?
Very little in Council. Outside of Council I have used plenty of magic when trying to fight the overthrow of the Queen, which mercifully was brief. My role in Council is that of administrator and while magic can speed up paperwork I am distrustful of it. Magic to me is meant for fighting against the evil use of magic and so on.

INTERVIEWS WITH MY CHARACTERS... THE LORD CHAMBERLAIN

2/1/2015

Literally the power behind the throne, the Lord Chamberlain runs the Palace and the Royal Household. He can and does control access to the Queen and has been known to put the Council in its place when needed. In fairness, he has also told the Queen she must be fair to her own Council. That did not go down well but the Lord Chamberlain is the Queen's most loyal subject and she knows she cannot do without him. It is very rare for him to criticize so when he does she generally takes notice.

It is most gracious of the Queen to give us permission to interview you, Lord Chamberlain, and we quite understand that there are some questions you will not be able to answer due to the security issues surrounding your role. However, we would be glad if you could give us a rough idea of what your job entails. This FNN series is meant to educate the populace about the roles of those connected with our beloved Queen.
My role as Lord Chamberlain is to organize the Royal Household so that everybody from Her Majesty downwards has their meals and drinks at the correct times, supplies of food and drink and office supplies (for the Council and their meetings) are always maintained, to welcome appropriately vetted guests to the Palace and to ensure their comfort and to ensure that everybody is carrying out their allotted role correctly and if they need assistance they get it. And before you ask, Roherum, that does not include the Queen. Her Majesty does not need telling how to carry out her role! Sometimes she may need to see how things might look from the perspective of the Council say but the most I ever do is advise.

What part of your role do you enjoy the most?
I like looking back at the end of the day and knowing that all has gone well. When the Queen holds banquets to honour those who serve the Kingdom well it is a privilege for me to meet those brave youngest sons, giant killers, those who defy witches and live to tell the tale and not only that but to serve these heroes and heroines with the finest cuisine our realm has to offer. The Queen has a vast wine cellar and it is enjoyable choosing the right drink to go with the meal and knowing from years and years of experience I have made the right choice as I know the Queen is always appreciative of that exquisite joy of a perfect banquet. I suppose you could say, if you were to use vulgar human terms, I am the ultimate facilitator in the Palace.

IINTERVIEWS WITH MY CHARACTERS... L'EVALLIER

1/1/2015

What are you most proud of?
Roherum, your capacity for banal questions truly is amazing (this is not a compliment) but for the record, I am proud of my ancestral heritage, my wife and the work I do for the Queen and this blessed realm.

How much magic do you use in your role?
I endeavour to minimise my use of magic. I see magic as being best kept for defensive measures, where common sense and discipline are not enough to protect against evil. I use some magic to help organize my various roles (from Council Leader to Chief Elf, there is always far too much administration for any one person to see to – you should see my correspondence piles!).

What part of your role do you enjoy the most?
I enjoy looking back at the end of my working day and seeing I have served my magical realm, my monarch and my people well. That I have carried out all I need to do and I have left nothing undone. The Queen’s correspondence can yield some interesting letters (usually from children who are honest in how they express themselves. How unlike the Council!)