It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth. She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek.
Humour
Eileen knows having a sense of humour is vital but a lot of the subtler forms of comedy pass her by. Not for Eileen the clever one liner but she is very fond of slapstick. Jenny prefers her comedy the other way round and thinks it remarkable her mother has any sense of humour.
Cookery
Eileen has become proficient here as has Jenny. They both like classic British recipes and Jenny's toad in the hole is magnificent. Cookery is one of the few things both the Kingdom and Earth appreciate.
Getting along with the Neighbours
Eileen considers this vital. Her background reading as to what she could expect on Earth helped but there's been nothing to beat actually living on the planet in an ordinary house in an ordinary neighbourhood to help Eileen get this right. The last thing Eileen wants is to draw attention to herself so she must fit in and has found copying a lot of what others do was a good way to get started. Now of course she's been on Earth so long getting along with the neighbours comes naturally.
Add Comment EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 2 26/11/2013
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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth. She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek.
Gardeners
The great thing about being married to a passionate gardener is they tend to be passionate about other things too. Being great with one's hands in one sphere of life tends to being great with said hands in other areas. And all Eileen is saying here is she has no complaints.
Television
Eileen found out early on that there's nothing worth watching except the wildlife programmes and historical documentaries. She welcomes the measured tones of David Attenborough and is slowly getting over her tendency to distrust any commentary (this is thanks to the Kingdom's commentaries being carried out by Roherum for whom no exaggeration is ever too much).
Books
Eileen loves reading - history, humour and crime. In her old world in the Fairy Kingdom, she made history, was not renowned for humour and had a tremendous crime clear up rate. She is only too glad to be living a quieter life with no dragons anywhere...
Add Comment EILEEN'S GUIDE TO LIFE ON EARTH - 1 25/11/2013
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It took Eileen a long time to get really used to life on Earth. She read many books on human culture, history and so on and these things were useful but the following are the tips she herself has picked up over the years since her defection to marry Derek.
The Wizard of Oz
Don't make the mistake I did and assume this is a documentary about magical practice in Australia. It isn't! (Though I could've taken out both of the bad witches with my hands tied behind my back. I personally think Dorothy a bit of a wimp though the dog's nice).
The Sound of Music
Not overly keen on this, a bit sickly for my tastes, but am intrigued by one of the songs. Is the Lonely Goatherd that way due to a personal hygiene problem? It's the reason a lot of folks end up being lonely. I suggest this to people and all they do is laugh. Jennifer tells me to stop being funny. I was unaware I had started being funny...
Dove
I always thought this was just a lovely bird of peace but was delighted to find it's the name of some wonderful gentle cleansing products. Highly recommend.
Add Comment THE KINGDOM'S GUIDE TO APPROACHING OTHER SPECIES - PART 3 24/11/2013
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If you’re unlucky enough to be seconded to a world which seems to be more magically powerful than we are, find out as many details as possible without endangering yourself and then get the hell out of there. The Queen and her Council will decide on the appropriate course of action after that. You are not under any circumstances to try to set up a trade deal. That is strictly for the fairy government to do. We want to make sure we get the right price for one thing.
If your cover is blown, get out of the world in question immediately. The Queen and her Council will investigate that world further - if necessary from a great distance.
Nobody is to report anything they see on other worlds to FNN without prior clearance from the Queen and her Council. Roherum gossips enough as it is...
The Queen and her Council insist that all their operatives suppress their “natural magical superiority” and treat other species they come across with caution and in a way that won’t trigger unnecessary aggression. The Kingdom as a whole considers non-magical species inferior but, unlike other magical beings, feels it’s their role to use their powers for good and to help others (if only to stay well away from the magical realm so it is not polluted).
The rules for coming across other species that turn out to be magical after all is different – be cautious and have your wand ready to fire (though the more flirtatious sprites have had a lot of fun coming up with some dodgy jokes based on this rule). Add Comment THE KINGDOM'S GUIDE TO APPROACHING OTHER SPECIES - PART 2 23/11/2013
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Full notes must be taken and copied to the Queen and her Council as to new species discovered, their lifestyles, their worlds, magical capabilities (if any) and histories. Photographs and detailed diagrams are looked on with favour though strictly correct anatomical diagrams are not necessarily needed. Quite frankly the Queen and her Council are sick of looking at different species’ various genitals. A rough idea of how these species are made (including mating rituals - again the authorities are sick of reading graphic descriptions here) will be sufficient. Basically if your mother wouldn’t want to read it, the Queen and her Council probably wouldn’t either. See Eileen’s published papers as a good example of the kind of information the Queen and her Council do seek. On the other hand do not do what she did and defect to marry one of these wretched inferior species. This kind of mishap should happen only the once.
If there are any signs of intelligence in the species you study, then treat (a) carefully in case that intelligence backfires on you and (b) gently. Intelligence in lesser life forms is a rarity and the Kingdom has no wish to crush it (though we will continue to lead all known universes when it comes to being patronizing. Someone has to do it). You will only engage in conversation with alien species with full clearance obtained well in advance from the Queen and her Council and you will disguise yourself well enough to cover up any hint you’re the one from an alien world. You will also note the species’ emotions (what they’re allowed to show - this should become apparent in their behaviour towards you), how they dress and so on. Also whether there is a purpose in the way in which they do things. Ideally the more experienced agents will spend some time living with these aliens as one of them as that would give the realm the information it needs so it can defend itself against this new species if necessary and if not still know what it needs to know.
Add Comment THE KINGDOM'S GUIDE TO APPROACHING OTHER SPECIES 22/11/2013
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The guiding rule is:-
With caution!
It is expected that as much research is done on the potential new species to visit long before contact is actually made.
Every fairy or other magical being legally entitled to make contact with other species must make sure they have had all their vaccinations brought up to date. Best to play safe here, people. (And do you know just how many diseases humans can get? Fancy getting some? We rather thought not. Get to your local clinic for that jab(s) NOW!).
Always send scouting parties. These parties are to be made up of at least three individuals, all proven to be trustworthy, calm and well trained in the magical arts. This means that no sprites can ever form part of a scouting party.
Don’t approach the species concerned at all unless you have no other choice. You must find out their language and culture first to know how best to approach them. We don’t want the Kingdom unwittingly starting wars - again - do we? Ideally we want to find out about the species’ world and habitat and study them from a suitable distance.
If it is necessary to talk to the species to find out information, be polite. Remember they cannot help their inferiority to you, especially in the case of non-magical beings. Be compassionate. If the species show any signs of intelligence, do what you can to encourage it. Oh and don’t be patronizing. We understand other species do not like this.
Every so often you will come across a species worthy of further study. Do not advertise your presence. Do not advertise the magical worl’d existence. And if you absolutely must abduct the individual target you have selected, be discreet. Always return any abductees as quickly as possible. Make sure they cannot remember their odd experience. They need to resume their lives as quickly as possible.
Rather than go for abduction (that kind of thing gives researchers a bad name) blend in with the world and species selected for study. If necessary forge identities, live amongst these beings for a while and always give a thorough report so the Kingdom can know whether this new species can be friendly with us or whether they are better kept at arms length. Add Comment WHAT MY CHARACTERS WOULD DO AS HOBBIES PART 6 21/11/2013
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Stanrock and Whespy...
Stanrock and Whespy (later Stan and Wes) are the mischievous sprites’ sprites. There are very few practical jokes they have not carried out and for a long time this was the nearest they got to any kind of hobby. They also spent lot of time fighting - other sprites, anybody else annoying them and, most of all, each other. They got into so much trouble their own kind bundled them off to the Queen to see what she could do with them. (She wasn't grateful).
Stan is a good cook and carries on with this when he’s on earth. Wes develops courage and bravery but hasn’t really taken to any hobby. If he can get his act together with Isabel, maybe that would be something she could encourage. Isabel would know better than to try to improve his mind (you have to work with the material you’ve got!) but I can see her encouraging him to read (even if it is graphic comics and novels, they would not count as proper literature in her eyes but she’d be too glad he read anything she’d overlook it - this is one view not shared by me. Graphic novels, when well done, are great).
Both sprites might get into earth music when they’re there but they’d take to loud pop/rock. They did develop a taste for wildlife programmes, encouraged by Fresdian (Rose).
Add Comment WHAT MY CHARACTERS WOULD DO AS HOBBIES PART 5 20/11/2013
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Paul...
Paul likes gardening, movies, passionately loves Jenny and equally passionately loathes his mother-in-law. Paul and Jenny are into all kinds of music (most of which Eileen looks down on, added reason to like it as far as Paul’s concerned). Paul takes to fatherhood well and adores his son. He loves playing with Eddie’s toys as well as with Eddie! And for Eddie, bathtime isn’t bathtime unless Dad’s doing it. Dad seems to understand the need to get water all over the place unlike Mum. Paul enjoys driving, gets on very well with his father-in-law (whom he pities) though Paul is conscious that if Eileen weren’t around, he would miss baiting her so that counts as a hobby too! Paul likes wildlife (except squirrels who keep destroying bird feeders as Greyfur would be the first to testify). And Paul is one of the few who when claiming his mother-in-law is a witch is closer to the truth than he knows...
Fresdian (later Rose)...
Fresdian, later Rose, is the Fairy Kingdom’s equivalent of David Attenborough and is devoted to all things flora and fauna. Going to earth later merely gives her a marvellous opportunity to study flora and fauna elsewhere. She has been to be out in all weathers so rambling is a major part of her life too. And she wears good, sturdy practical clothing so she has one eye on fashion - the fashion suitable for a country lady rather than for some silly girl. Fresdian wouldn’t dream of trying to impress any male! Fresdian is also a great secret keeper. She keeps from everyone the fact she is of the fairy godmother class. She saw what happened to Eileen and is determined it should never happen to her. Had Fresdian fulfilled her proper duties and joined Eileen in fighting all things evil the way she was meant to, there is a strong possibility that Eileen would never have defected. On the other hand, Fresdian knows Eileen owes her happy marriage and indirectly Jennifer to that secrecy. Add Comment WHAT MY CHARACTERS WOULD DO AS HOBBIES PART 4 19/11/2013
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DEREK PAIGE - Pierce Brosnan with Alan Titchmarsh! (latter for gardening skills!)
For a woman who gives up royal status, power, influence etc and to do so for a mere human man, that man must be someone special. Someone who knows what to do with his fingers and not just in the garden either! Derek is tall, dark, handsome, a fanatical gardener, devoted to his wife and family, humane, compassionate and shows the good side of humanity. It frustrates Eileen her old world won’t see that and reject him on the grounds of his species. Problems erupt when Derek’s enabled to find out who Eileen really is. He’s devastated by this. Eileen’s devastated by having to use mind wipes on the man she loves, and that increases when he becomes ill as a result, the first warning sign that charm has been used too often. Derek is a great father to Jenny, loves being a granddad to Eddie and gets on very well with Paul, much to his wife’s disgust.
MELANBURY, L’EVALLIER’S WIFE - Joely Richardson
Gorgeous, aristocratic, surprised to find herself genuinely falling for her husband and later enjoying sex (her parents never mentioned much about it and the start of her marriage was disastrous as a result. It was apparent Melanbury seemed to be afraid of being in the same room as L’Evallier, this situation thankfully for both of them changed). Is prejudiced against hybrids and humans. Tends to back the Queen but comes to realize Jenny does have her virtues and the monarch is going too far in wanting to force the girl into the Kingdom (though of course if Melanbury had her way no hybrid would go anywhere near the realm, ever). She and L’Evallier become a real team. And despite her parents’ disapproval of working women, Melanbury becomes the Queen’s correspondence secretary. Melanbury’s life takes off from this point - she discovers she wants to be useful. Add Comment WHAT MY CHARACTERS WOULD DO AS HOBBIES PART 3 18/11/2013
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Hanastrew, Eileen's protege and scourge of the Witch
Hanastrew doesn’t get much time for hobbies thanks to the demands of her job though her devotion to truly good food is renowned thorughout the Kingdom. She has no time for salads and all the time in every known world for chocolate eclairs. Thankfully her job is so demanding she can eat as much as she likes as she burns everything she eats. Still it’s better than lettng those nasty dragons do the burning up! She’s a reluctant reader, thinks etiquette a complete waste of everyone’s time and it comes as no surprise to anyone in the Kingdom that Eileen was Hanastrew’s mentor and heroine. Hanastrew is keen on keeping the squad ready for any emergency so she does a certain amount of magical keep fit with them on a semi-regular basis. She likes to be ready for anything... One of the few things about Earth she likes is its chocolate. Eileen occasionally arranges for some to be sent to her. The Queen does not approve but Hanastrew approves - she adores Dairy Milk Caramel.
Brankaresh, Chief Wizard, misogynist, scourge to anything getting in his way....
Brankaresh’s main hobby is working out a way of getting extra powers for himself. Marrying the Queen falls into that category. The fact he does fancy her is a bonus but Manatrix, the old wizard imprisoned by Brankaresh only because at the time the latter did not dare commit another murder for fear of it arousing suspicion, has realised his foe would hump a gargoyle if it got Brankaresh more power. Brankaresh’s other pastime is getting rid of foes without it seeming as if they have been got rid of, something Manatrix knew but couldn’t prove and sadly he himself goes on to become another victim. Sadly there was a time when Brankaresh didn't have to worry about the risk of exposure. The Kingdom was under threat from the Witch (and unknown to most Brankaresh as well) so this gave the wizard a good "screen". Brankaresh reads in depth when it suits him and likes to know all there is to be known about his Council colleagues, mainly planning to use it against them. Brankaresh is intelligent and charming but has no time for feminism and absolutely loathes Eileen, who returns the feeling. Brankaresh’s main concern, main interest is only for himself Add Comment << Previous